


endure, endure

by caughtinkhanded



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 3.07 fix it, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Groundhog Day AU, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-05-25 14:48:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6199213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caughtinkhanded/pseuds/caughtinkhanded
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you could have a chance to save the one you loved, would you take it? Would you take it until they were safe? </p><p>Clarke Griffin sure as hell would.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> so I'm still in denial, so here have a fix-it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please note: this takes place directly after the end of the demon episode™

**prologue.**

 

A heavy hand landed on her shoulder, but Clarke shrugged it off. Her breath would only come in sharp gasp, the air slowly poisoning her with the warm scent of Polis tinged with the harsh metallic scent of Lexa’s blood.

 

She stared down at her hands, black blood imbedded in the creases of her palms.

 

“Clarke….” Murphy crouched down next to her, trying again to move her away from the bloodstained bed. “I’m, uh, I’m sorry.” His words hung in the heavy air, weighing heavily on Clarke’s mind.

 

“I need her,” she hiccupped, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. “I need her. I just need her.” Clarke stumbled away from the bed, horror filling her blue eyes. Murphy caught her before she hit one of the candle stands. He pulled her into a hug, exhibiting a tenderness that Clarke had never seen before. Angry sobs fought their way out of Clarke’s throat as she beat her fists against Murphy’s chest. To his credit, Murphy didn’t let go.

 

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” Murphy repeated softly, rubbing a hand up and down her back. Clarke’s chest heaved and ached like somebody had torn out her heart. She wanted to scream, but her voice wouldn’t work anymore.

 

The memory of Lexa’s fingers along her skin only an hour earlier haunted her, making her skin itch. “I just want her.” Murphy guided her to one of the chairs with a gentleness she didn’t know he possessed. As soon as she hit the chair, Clarke’s body collapsed into the structure, sobs still wracking her body.

 

“Clarke?” Murphy began hesitantly, “You gonna be okay?”

 

Clarke shook her head, and then reconsidered, “I have to be. For her. All she wanted was peace.” Her voice cracked on the last word, her heart shattering for the girl who had carried the world on her shoulders and just wanted peace for her people. She clutched at herself, trying desperately to hold herself together.

 

Murphy just sat there, not speaking or moving, just watching Clarke as her tears slowly stopped.

 

The two sat in silence, except for Clarke’s broken heaves.

 

The door flew open and Octavia and Indra stormed in. Octavia came to a halt, her eyes wide at the blood covering the bed. “Clarke.”

 

“I must go.” Indra said, her voice less sharp than usual, still staring at the black blood with pained eyes. Indra took a half step back, her shoulder slumping slightly forward. Indra turned away, ignoring Octavia’s worried look.

 

“Octavia,” Clarke rose to her feet, “What’re you doing here? I thought you were going back to Arkadia.”

 

Octavia tore her eyes away from the bed to look at Clarke. “The blockade has been delayed. And they’ve shut down the city. No one in or out.” Clarke nodded sharply, wiping a hand under her eyes to wipe away her tears, but only succeeded in spreading black blood. “Clarke, what happened? All they said was that Lexa was dead.” At the sound of Lexa’s name, Clarke seemed to involuntarily fold in on herself.

 

“The bald guy shot her.” Murphy spoke for the first time since Octavia had entered.

 

“Her advisor?”

 

Clarke nodded numbly, “He wanted to start a war with the Skaikru by killing me. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time.” A tear slid down Clarke’s cheek. She wrapped her arms tightly around her ribs, desperately trying to hold it together. Octavia inched forward, reaching out a hand to grab Clarke’s shoulder. Clarke flinched momentarily under the other girl’s touch. “When, when will the blockade begin?”

 

“I’m not sure.” Octavia’s brow furrowed as she studied Clarke and the devastation clear on her face. Clarke let out a half sigh, turning away from Octavia.

 

“So we’re stuck here?”

 

“For the time being.” Octavia replied. “What the hell are you doing here Murphy? Last I saw, you ran off with Jaha’s bible group. He’s back, but how are you here?”

 

Murphy rolled his eyes, shooting a snarky reply back. Clarke drifted away from the two, her fingers ghosting over the trinkets she had collect during her time in Polis. Tears filled her vision as she picked up one of the pens Lexa had given to her. It felt heavier than any sword she had ever picked up, weighed down by memories.

 

A knock at the door broke Clarke from her thoughts. Murphy and Octavia were still in hushed discussions while Clarke moved to answer the door.

 

It all felt too familiar as she opened the door. Aden stood in the doorway, his chin tipped up in a familiar gesture. “Wanheda,” he nodded respectfully.

 

“Aden,”

 

“I just came to say thank you for everything. I am to go to the Conclave now. Heda,” his words caught in his throat as he continued, “she was very fond of you. If I should become Heda, I will work for her goal of peace.”

 

Clarke managed a watery smile before offering her arm to him, black blood still caked underneath her fingernails, “May we meet again.”

 

“May we meet again, Wanheda.” Aden repeated, a sad smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Without another word, he turned away. Clarke stared sadly after him; she couldn’t help feeling as if she was sending him to his doom.

 

“Wanheda?” Murphy asked as Clarke shut the door. Her eyes fell on a bullet hole and she cursed Titus again.

 

“It means Commander of Death,” supplied Octavia. “It’s what the Grounders call Clarke.” Murphy hummed in response, his eyes raking up Clarke appraisingly. “What now, Clarke?”

 

“We wait.”

 

“Wait? For what?”

 

“The next Commander to be named. Pray it is Aden and not the Azgeda girl. Be ready to run.” Clarke declared, forcing back any emotion, a skill she had perfected with Lexa. Without another word, Clarke turned her back on the other two, drifting along her room. Her knee clattered into a bag, sending its contents flying. As she stooped to pick up the contents, her heart stopped. The quick sketch she had done only last week of Lexa was half covered by another piece of paper. Clarke rocked back onto her heels, clutching at the picture. Somebody let out a moan; it was most likely Clarke.

 

Octavia was at her side in an instant. “What’s wrong, Clarke?” Octavia glanced at the image in Clarke’s hand, marveling at how peaceful the Commander had looked.

 

Clarke shook her head furiously, biting down on her lip hard. Octavia lifted her up, wrapping an arm tightly around the other girl’s waist. Octavia guided her to the small couch. Clarke couldn’t tear her eyes away from the image, Lexa’s peaceful face seeming to mock her.

 

“I loved her.” Clarke said, her voice barely more than a whisper, a hopeless pray to an unfeeling god. She ignored Octavia’s quiet gasp and Murphy’s sudden shift.

 

“Oh, Clarke,” Octavia squeezed the older girl tighter, allowing her to curl into Octavia’s side. Octavia ran a hand over Clarke’s hair in a soothing manner.

 

“I’ll keep watch,” Murphy said softly as he looked away from the two girls.

 

Clarke let out another choking sob, her fingers curling into the thick paper. Octavia hummed an old Ark lullaby, threading her hands through Clarke’s hair.

 

Clarke’s chest still ached as she stared at Lexa’s image, but she could feel exhaustion finally hitting her. She closed her eyes momentarily and the memory of Lexa laying next to her appear on the inside of her eyelids. She let out a shuddering breath, trying to hold on to the image of Lexa’s lazy smile.

 

 _Please, whatever deity is out there_ _make this right._

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

Clarke woke with a start, feeling around wildly for Octavia. She had been sleeping on the couch, she was sure of that. Then why did she have a pillow and blankets? And why was she in a nightgown. Clarke blinked slowly, propping herself up on her elbows.

 

She was in her bed in her room in Polis. There was no trace of black blood anywhere. Clarke scrambled to her feet, searching the room for any bullet holes. The walls were pristine.

 

She stared down at her hands, expecting to see black blood crusted on them, but they were clean.

 

A quick knock on her door caused Clarke to jump nearly a foot in the air, colliding painfully with her bedframe. “Coming!” She called out, quietly cursing herself.

 

One of the handmaidens stood in the door, a concerned expression on her face. “Good morning, Wanheda. Would you like me to draw you a bath?”

 

“Uh, no,” blurted out Clarke, “I’m good. Thank you though.”

 

“Are you sure? It’s not a bother.”

 

Clarke waved her hands quickly, shaking her head as well. “Really. I’m fine. Mochof.” She added while the handmaiden stared at her strangely.

 

“Very well, Wanheda.”

 

Clarke shut the door softly before slumping against it. She ran a hand through her hair, letting out a sharp breath.

 

“What the hell happened?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if you'd want me to continue. 
> 
> if anybody wants to cry about lexa with me, or just talk, or whatever, hit me up on tumblr at jessivajones. 
> 
> ~ebh


	2. chapter i

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day #1

**chapter i.**

Clarke ran a hand through her hair again as she paced up and down her room. She had checked the beds of her nails for black blood twice now. The sunlight danced along the floor of her room, just as it had done the day before.

 

“Maybe this is just a dream?” She theorized aloud, turning sharply on her heel as she reached one end of her room. Clarke pinched herself, yelping as pain shot through her arm.

 

Another knock at her door broke into Clarke’s thoughts. She rushed to open it, the maid from earlier standing there with a sheepish look on her face. “Wanheda, I was to remind you that you will be required in the throne room at midday for Ascension Day.”

 

“Mochof,” Clarke replied automatically, “I’ll be there.” The maid nodded before turning away. “Wait! Where is the Commander right now?”

 

The maid hesitated for a moment before saying, “I believe she is in her room, preparing for the ceremony. Do you have a message for her you’d like me to deliver?”

 

“No, no. I’ll go myself.” Clarke moved to follow the maid out of the room.

 

“Wanheda?”

 

“Yes?”

 

The maid’s cheeks flushed red and she stammered out, “You may want to change before you go to see Heda.” Clarke glanced down at what she was wearing and her cheeks too burned red.

 

“Mochof.”

 

“Do you need help dressing?”

 

“No, I’ll manage on my own.” At that, Clarke scrambled back into her room, tearing through her closet to find something acceptable to wear. Once she was not dressed in pajamas, Clarke rushed out of the room, nearly colliding with one of the many guards in the towers. She muttered a hurried apology before running towards the floor that contained Lexa’s room.

 

Brushing past the guards outside the room, Clarke burst into the room. Lexa was sitting crossed legged on one of her many chairs, a book in her hand. She was here. She was _alive_. She was _breathing._ Clarke’s heart nearly stopped at the sight of her.

 

“Clarke?” Lexa asked, tilting her head slightly to the side. Clarke nearly let out a choked sob at the sound of the other girl’s voice. “Is something the matt-“ Clarke cupped Lexa’s cheeks and then surged forward, pressing her lips firmly to the other girl’s, cutting off Lexa’s question.

 

Lexa hesitated for a moment before reaching up for Clarke’s face, responding eagerly. As they separated for air, Lexa pulled away, her hands still in Clarke’s hair. “Clarke?” Her voice was so soft Clarke barely heard it.

 

“Lexa,” Clarke sighed, a wide smile breaking across her face. She dropped onto the arm of the chair Lexa was sitting on. She brushed her thumbs over Lexa’s cheekbones, shocked at the wetness that was gathering there.

 

“Are you sure?” Clarke hated how small Lexa’s voice sounded

 

Clarke nodded, a watery chuckle escaping her lips, “God yes. I just want you. Just you.” Clarke pressed another kiss to Lexa’s mouth, feeling the smile that was forming on Lexa’s lips. “I don’t want to wait for someday.”

 

“I would’ve waited for you until the end of my days, Clarke.” Lexa admitted quietly, staring up at Clarke as if the girl was the stars themselves.

 

Clarke’s expression darkened, “Stop talking about your death. I don’t even want to think about it,” Clarke’s heart ached as memories of Lexa’s last words resurfaced. Her chest suddenly felt too tight and a wave of nausea rolled through her. “I need your spirit to stay right where it is, okay?” Lexa nodded, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

 

“I will do everything in my power to stay with you, ai niron.”

 

“Good. ‘Cause I’m not letting you go anytime soon.” Clarke entwined her fingers with Lexa’s, relishing in the feel of her warm skin.

 

“Can…uh… can I kiss you again?” Lexa asked nervously, watching Clarke reverently.

 

Clarke grinned down at Lexa. “Of course. As long as I can kiss you again.” Lexa tugged Clarke down for another kiss, both girls smiling into it. Clarke settled herself on Lexa’s lap, grinning at the small groan it drew from the other girl. Clarke kissed along Lexa’s jawline, entranced by the noises Lexa was making. “You are so beautiful, Lexa.” Clarke rasped out, her lips still pressed against Lexa’s skin.

 

“Not as beautiful as you, ai niron.”

 

Clarke pulled away slightly, “Ai niron?”

 

Lexa’s cheeks flamed red at this, glancing away from Clarke. “My loved one. I’m sorry if it-“ Clarke cut her off again with a quick kiss.

 

“Stop apologizing so much.” She chastised. “I want this. I want you, Lexa. I just want you.” The smile Lexa gave her in return was enough to piece together the broken parts of Clarke’s heart.

 

“I want you too.” Lexa’s fingers brushed along Clarke’s face as if she could not believe the other girl was there.

 

“Heda?” Titus called from the other side of the door. Clarke scrambled off of Lexa, throwing herself into a different chair.

 

“Sha, Titus?” Lexa called back, her voice impressively strong. Clarke just stared at her in wonderment, causing Lexa’s cheeks to flush again. As the sunlight danced in her curls, Clarke was struck once again by the beauty of the other girl.

 

“ _You must begin the preparations for Ascension Day._ ” Titus said as he entered the room. Clarke tensed at the sight of him, but remained quiet. Titus paused as he took in the two girls, both with mussed hair, swollen lips and red cheeks. “I did not realize that Wanheda was here,” He said with a sneer.

 

Lexa rose gracefully, meeting Titus’ gaze coolly. “We were just discussing some matters.” Titus’ eyebrows rose at this, but did not comment.

 

Titus turned to Clarke, who retuned his glare with a smirk. “Wanheda, you must also prepare for the ceremony. Ascension Day is one of our most holy days. It would be poor form for Wanheda to show up looking so…” Titus waved a hand towards her, a look of distaste on his face. Lexa shot him a glare while Clarke got to her feet.

 

“I’ll see you soon,” She pressed a quick kiss to Lexa’s cheek, delighting in the look of anger in Titus’ eyes.

 

Lexa stammered out a reply, her cheeks flushed a delightful shade of pink.

 

As Clarke exited, she could hear Titus berating Lexa and Lexa ignoring him. She strolled back to her room, unable to keep the smile off her face. She nodded cheerfully at the guards outside her room. They dipped their heads slightly to her. Her maid was waiting outside her room, “The Fleimkepa sent me. He said you would need assistance in preparing for the celebration.”

 

“Of course, thank you, Sonja.” Clarke shot a broad smile at the younger girl, opening the door to her room.

 

Sonja moved quickly around the room, pulling together the appropriate clothes for Clarke. “Here, Wanheda. Call if you need any assistance.”

 

Clarke quickly dressed, her mind whirring with possibilities of how this could’ve happened. Maybe she had just dreamed Lexa’s death? If so, that was a very vivid dream. A bubble of warmth welled with in her as she thought of the smile Lexa had given her after she kissed her. Clarke fumbled with the straps of one of the elements of her clothes, her fingers slipping over the leather. “Sonja?”

 

“Sha?”

 

“Could you give me a hand?”

 

“Of course, Wanheda.” Sonja rushed to Clarke’s side, her fingers deftly tying together the straps. “You look very happy, Wanheda.”

 

“That’s because I am, Sonja.” Clarke replied, unable to stop the grin on her face.

 

“I’m glad to hear that, Wanheda.”

 

“You can call me Clarke, Sonja. I’ve told you this a hundred times,” Clarke teased lightly.

 

“Of course, Wan- Clarke. If you would sit, I can fix your hair.” Sonja’s nimble fingers made quick work of Clarke’s hair, not commenting on its mussed state.

 

Clarke hummed an old song her father used to sing, unable to stop grinning. Everything felt good. She had a second chance. Now she just had to make sure that Titus stayed away from Lexa.

 

“You’re all ready, Wa- Clarke.” Sonja corrected with a blush. “It is nearly time. You should head up to the throne room.”

 

“Mochof, Sonja.”

 

Clarke hurried to the throne room, excited to see Lexa again. When Clarke entered, Lexa was off to the side, speaking quietly with Aden. The boy was nodding eagerly to whatever Lexa had said. When he caught sight of Clarke, he nodded to Lexa, who turned around quickly, a soft smile on her lips.

 

“Welcome, Clarke kom Skaikru.”

 

Clarke nodded respectfully to Lexa, “It is good to see you again, Commander.” The tips of Lexa’s ear burned red, but other than that the taller girl did not make any acknowledgement of what had occurred earlier in the day.

 

“I hope you find the ceremony to be illuminating.” Lexa said, a smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth. Behind her, Titus scowled at Clarke. Lexa turned away to take her place on her throne, tucking her hands neatly behind her back. People began to filter in as a drum began to play.

 

Clarke stood off to the side, content to just watch Lexa in her element.

 

“We gather here on this Ascension Day to honor the commanders that came before me, those who live on within me will live on within one of you.” She turned towards the Nightbloods. Clarke couldn’t help but imagine Lexa as once of them, all lanky limbs and wild hair.

 

Then there was a commotion outside the door and a small group of people burst in. Clarke let out a low curse underneath her breath. She had forgotten about the Trikru village that had been attacked.

 

Lexa turned to Titus, fury brewing in her eyes. “Titus, what is this?” She hissed.

 

“Something you need to hear, Heda.” Titus glanced past Lexa to Clarke.

 

“What crimes? What happened?” Clarke asked, her stomach dropping.

 

“Skaikru attacked their village. Because their warriors were lost when your people massacred the army we had sent to protect you, their village was defenseless.” Titus spat out, glaring at Clarke coldly. Clarke’s eyes darted between him, Lexa and Octavia who too was glaring at Clarke.

 

“How dare you bring this to me on Ascension Day?” Lexa seethed, her eyes alight with anger.

 

“I did not bring this here, Heda.” Titus replied, “You did. Against my advice, you made Skaikru the 13th clan. They rejected this, murdering hundreds of your people, and yet on the very field where they died, you decided to forgive the killers, but his provocation is proof. Blood must not have blood has failed. All that can stop this now is war.”

 

Lexa let out a sigh, turning slightly to face Clarke. “Clarke?”

 

“Clarke’s opinion in this matter is not exactly unbiased.” Titus growled, stepping forward.

 

“My people did not all vote for Chancellor Pike. They don’t all agree with his policies. Kane doesn’t. Octavia doesn’t.”

 

“Your people did not vote for Kane.”

 

Clarke sighed, “Some of them did. We need to give them time to realize their mistake and fix it.”

 

“And you believe your people will take him out themselves.” Lexa interjected, looking at Clarke curiously.

 

Before Clarke could speak, Titus snarled, “If they don’t, if instead they use this time to plan their next attack, we must act now, Heda.” He stepped closer to Lexa, a grim set to his face. “Make an example of the 13th Clan. Show the other 12 what happens when they defy you. You got them back when you killed the Ice Queen, but the coalition is still fragile. If you don’t act now….” He trailed off ominously.

 

Lexa glanced momentarily to Clarke, who nodded slightly in support. “Today I call upon the armies of the 12 clans to march on Arkadia.” At her words, a murmur rushed through the room. “Not to attack, but to contain. We will blockade the 13th Clan. We will keep them from the lands they wish to possess. We will give them time to take out their leaders from within. Once they rise up against them, then we will welcome them back as one of us.”

 

“You heard the Commander. Send riders.” Titus waved a hand and the ambassadors sprung into action. “Tell your armies to set up a buffer zone around Arkadia. 5 miles should be enough to keep them away from our villages. What are their orders, Heda?”

 

“Any Skaikru caught across the line will be subject to a kill order.” Lexa declared, not once looking towards Clarke.

 

Semet stepped forward. “Heda, I do not understand. How is this vengeance?”

 

“It is not vengeance, my brother. It is justice.”

 

“Skaikru killed my sons, and my brother, and my wife.” He gestured towards Clarke angrily. Lexa shifted slightly, ready to defend Clarke. “If the spirit of the Commander will not protect us, then what will?” Semet’s fellow villagers began to cry out their dissent. “ _Nou Heda noumou_!” Semet called out before turning on Lexa, a knife in hand. Clarke shot forward as Lexa let out a cry. Titus wrestled him away. Black blood spilled from Lexa’s side and onto her fingers.

 

“Lexa!” Clarke rushed to Lexa’s side, but Lexa waved her away.

 

“It is nothing. He missed.”

 

“ _What would you have me do, Heda_?” Titus asked.

 

Lexa looked down on Semet with a frown. “ _Execution._ ” Titus nodded firmly, plunging Semet’s dagger into his chest.

 

“Lexa, let me look at your side.” Clarke said softly to Lexa, resting a hand over Lexa’s cut. Lexa shot her an irritated glare, but nodded anyway.

 

“Due to this traitor,” Titus announced, “the Ascension Day ceremony has been cut short.”

 

Once in her room, Lexa seemed to collapse slightly in on her side. “I knew it hurt more than you let on.”

 

“I have had worse, Clarke.” Lexa replied sharply. Clarke’s heart dropped to the ground at that, the feeling of black blood spilling too quickly over her fingers coming to mind.

 

“Take that off, I need to see the whole wound.” Clarke said, tugging on Lexa’s shirt.

 

Lexa silently peeled off her top, watching Clarke the whole time. “You’re angry about the kill order.”

 

“Yes. But I understand you must do it.”

 

“There is no other way, Clarke,” Lexa stopped Clarke for a moment, “You know I wish there was. But Skaikru has spilled too much blood. There is only so much more my people can take.”

 

“Lexa,” Clarke began, brushing her hand along Lexa’s cheek, “I know. I understand.”

 

“We are drawing a line, but…” Lexa looked up at Clarke, her eyes wide and full of hope, “Who’s to say you can’t choose to stay on this side of it?” Lexa bit down on her lip, moving away from Clarke as Clarke hesitated. “I’m sorry. You will want to go back to your people. I shouldn’t have…I shouldn’t have assumed.”

 

“Lexa, come back here and let me stitch your side. And you weren’t assuming anything. I want to stay with you, Lexa.” Clarke removed the cloth that was stemming the blood.

 

“Are you sure, Clarke? The blockade will begin at dawn most likely. There is still time for you to return to Arkadia.”

 

“I can do more good here, with you.” Clarke replied as she quickly stitched the cut. “Although I know someone who won’t want me here.”

 

As if summoned, Titus threw open the doors, his face instantly darkening. “Wanheda, blockade goes into effect at dawn. I’ve made arrangements for you to take one of our fastest horses.”

 

“Actually, I’m going to stay in Polis.” Behind her, Lexa slipped on a shirt, mindful of her stitches.

 

“Yes, I asked Clarke to stay as my guest. She has proved to have invaluable counsel.” Lexa added, her words only adding to Titus’ anger.

 

“Clarke, will you excuse us?” Titus asked, his voice barely even polite.

 

“Of course,” Clarke nodded, shooting a cheeky smile Titus’ direction. “I should go check on Octavia.”

 

When she entered her room, Clarke found Octavia pacing a hole in the floor. “No wonder you wanted to stay.” Octavia spat out, lifting her gaze to glare at Clarke.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, fine. I saw Indra in the crowd. Why wasn’t with Lexa?”

 

Clarke let out a sigh. “Indra’s not doing so well, Octavia.” The younger girl’s face crumpled and she huffed out a breath of air.

 

“How can Lexa put a kill order on Skaikru? You have to talk her out of it.”

 

“I’m not going to do that, Octavia.”

 

“This is the second time that she left us all to die. And you’re just going to stand there and let that happen?”

 

“The 12 Clans want a war. Lexa has tried to make peace. But _your brother_ and Pike keep attacking. The blockade is the best Lexa can do.”

 

Octavia practically growled at Clarke, “Why am I not surprised that you’re still defending her?”

 

“I’m not defending her. It was either the blockade or declaring war on Arkadia. Lexa is trying to save as many lives as possible.”

 

“Did you even try to stop her?”

 

“Octavia…”

 

“I don’t want to hear it. Where’s Indra?”

 

Clarke let out another sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Go to the entrance of the tower, one of the guards there will point you in her direction. There are horses ready for you when you leave for Arkadia. You will need to leave before nightfall.”

 

Octavia, who was half way out the door, paused. “You’re not coming?”

 

“No. I can do more good here.”

 

“If you truly think that,” scoffed Octavia, “then you’re not the person I thought you were.” She then turned out her heel, leaving Clarke to her guilt.

 

Clarke sank to the edge of her bed, pressing her forehead into her hands. She can’t go back to her people. She just got Lexa back. She can’t do it.

 

“Wanheda,” Sonja called from the other side of the door, “Heda requests your presence.”

 

“I’ll be there in a moment,” Clarke called back, scrubbing a hand over her face. With a small groan she stood to her feet.

 

Sonja gave her a soft smile as Clarke emerged. “Do you need anything, Wanheda?”

 

“No, mochof, Sonja.”

 

Clarke made her way back to Lexa’s room, ducking behind a wall to hide from Titus, who looked as if his eyes would light something on fire. She knocked on the door before entering.

 

Lexa stood in front of the window, the light framing her in a halo of gold. Clarke walked up behind her, wrapping her arms around Lexa’s waist.

 

“Hello, Clarke.” Lexa twisted in Clarke’s arms to kiss her. Clarke gripped Lexa’s hips tightly until Lexa pulled away.

 

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

 

“Titus…uh…disapproves of you.”

 

“I already know this. He’s not exactly subtle.”

 

Lexa let out a low chuckle, “No, I suppose not.” Lexa rested her forehead against Clarke’s. “He begged me to remember his teachings, that love is weakness. That I have put us both in danger. He wishes that I send you home. Perhaps I should.” Lexa’s eyes moved away from Clarke’s quickly.

 

“Lexa, no, look at me. Love is not weakness. It’s strength. I was in danger long before I met you. I want this. And you know, maybe someday we won’t owe anything to our people and we can just be Clarke and Lexa.”

 

“Clarke and Lexa,” the other girl breathed out reverently. “I’d like that. But I don’t want to take you away from your people.”

 

“You’re not. This is my choice. I know I can do more good here in Polis, with you,” Clarke threaded their fingers together, giving Lexa’s a squeeze. “Oh, I have something for you. It’s in my room. I’ll be right back.” Clarke stretched up to give Lexa another kiss, savoring in the feeling. Lexa moaned into Clarke’s mouth, leaning even closer. “I’ll be right back,” Clarke said as she pulled away, her voice even raspier than normal.

 

Clarke ran out of the room, hurrying to hers. As she burst into the room, the first thing she saw was John Murphy tied up. “Murphy?”

 

“He’s alive.” Titus said, moving out of the shadows. “And he will stay that way as long as you leave.” Titus pulled a gun from his robes, his hand shaking slightly as he pointed it at Clarke. Clarke held her hands up, fear pricking through her body.

 

“Titus, put the gun away, please.”

 

Titus pointed the gun at Murphy’s head, shaking the boy’s shoulder. “You and your friend can both walk out of here. Or you can watch him die, Wanheda.”

 

“Why are you doing this?” Clarke took a step back and Titus followed, moving away from Murphy. Murphy blinked groggily, his eyes widening as he saw Clarke.

 

“You are a weakness of Heda’s. I must protect her.”

 

“You aren’t protecting her. You’re hurting her. I know you care for her, Titus. Don’t do this. Please, don’t do this.” Clarke nodded slightly to Murphy, praying he would understand what she meant. Murphy lunged at Titus, his body colliding with Titus’. There was a loud bang as Murphy pressed Titus to the ground.

 

Her body already going into shock, Clarke stared down at her chest. Red blood spilled from her ribcage. She coughed weakly, blood spilling from her lips.

 

“Clarke!” Lexa caught her before she fell, cradling her gently. She stared in horror at Titus beneath Murphy, who was still tied up. “No, no, no. Clarke, you’re going to be okay. I need you. Hold on, Clarke.”

 

“’m sorry,” Clarke muttered, “I tried.”

 

Lexa cupped Clarke’s cheek softly. “Stay with me, ai niron. Please. Clarke.” Clarke winced as she tried to shift in Lexa’s arms. “I-I-I love you.” Lexa choked out, tears streaming down her cheeks.

 

“Love you too, Lexa,” Clarke managed, her breath coming in harsh pants. “’m sorry.”

 

“Clarke, ai niron. Please.”

 

Clarke tried to smile up at Lexa, the other girl clutching at Clarke’s face. “May we meet again.”

 

“May we meet again,” Lexa sobbed, pressing a frantic kiss to Clarke’s bloody lips.

 

And then it was black.

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

Clarke shot straight up in bed. Her breath caught in her throat as she stared around at the room.

 

Clarke peeled off her top, her fingers searching for a wound. They found nothing but smooth skin.

 

“Holy shit.” She breathed out, looking at the room in wonder.

 

As somebody knocked on the door, Clarke rushed to open it, tugging her shirt back over her head. “Coming!”

 

“Good morning, Wanheda. Would you like me to draw you a bath?”

 

“Yes, mochof, Sonja.” While Sonja busied herself with the bath, Clarke allowed herself a moment to breath. “What the hell is happening to me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see everything's okay? I did say that there would be angst. not every chapter will have a character death, but some will. there is a happy ending. I will tell you that now. please bear with me. 
> 
> if you want to rant at me, either do it below in the comments or on tumblr at jessivajones. 
> 
> ~ebh


	3. chapter ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day #2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay folks!
> 
> side note: i am so wickedly proud of this fandom. i have never seen anything like it and i am so glad i am a part of such a wonderful community.

**chapter ii.**

As Clarke sank into the warmth of the bath, she couldn’t help but trace her fingers over the spot where the bullet had pierced her chest. Sonja drifted around the room, preparing Clarke’s clothing for the ceremony. She was humming softly while she worked.

 

Meanwhile, Clarke was trying to work through the events of yesterday. Or was it even yesterday? She had _died_. She had stopped breathing and yet here she was, soaking in a bath in preparation for a ceremony she had already gone through twice. Titus had shot her. Just the thought of it sent a chill through her.

 

She had to stop him. Whatever it took. He had Murphy holed up somewhere clearly, she just didn’t know where.

 

“Wanheda?” Sonja held out a soft towel for Clarke, shyly averting her eyes. “Here are your clothes, let me know if you need my assistance.”

 

“Mochof, Sonja.” Clarke dressed quickly, already thinking through her plan. “What time does the ceremony start?”

 

“Not for a few hours, Wanheda.” Sonja gave Clarke a curious look, but said nothing else.

 

“Good, I need to go do something. I’ll find you if I need anything else,” Clarke added dismissively. Once Sonja had left the room, Clarke strapped the knife Lexa had given her to her boot and hesitated over her gun. After a moment of deliberation, she tucked it into her waistband, careful to cover it up with her shirt. She slipped out of her room, glancing around for anybody who might know where Titus was.

 

“ _Soren, fetch the Natblidas, they are required in the throne room now._ ” Titus’ voice echoed up the staircase, much to Clarke’s luck. “ _I have business to attend to_.” Clarke grinned to herself, creeping after Titus, mindful of the guards around the tower. Titus walked quickly through the building, barking out orders to various people as he went.

 

Clarke’s heart pounded in her ears as she ducked behind a wall before Titus could notice her. He paused for a moment before exiting the tower. Clarke hurried after him, nearly losing him in the marketplace. But his bald head glinted in the sun like a beacon. He finally came round to another door of the tower, slipping in with a quick glance over his shoulder. Clarke lingered outside of the doorway, waiting.

 

Nobody gave her a second glance as she absently looked at some random trinkets. She cast a quick look back over her shoulder towards the door. Admittedly, she hadn’t thought through her plan past finding Murphy.

 

Murphy had been there both times, first when Lexa had died and then again when Clarke herself had died. If she could get him out of there, then perhaps Titus wouldn’t come after her with a gun.

 

Out of the corner of her eye, Clarke saw the door open and she quickly stepped behind a taller woman who was chatting with the vendor. Glancing over her shoulder again to check where Titus was, Clarke rushed to the door. Clarke fiddled with the lock for a moment until it fell to the ground.

 

She slipped into the room, her eyes adjusting to the darkness. Murphy was tied to a chair in the center of the room, blood dripping down his face.

 

“Murphy!” The boy didn’t respond, his eyes still shut. Clarke rushed to his side, lifting his chin gently. “John? John, I need you to wake up.”

 

“Clarke?” He rasped out, blinking slowly. “What’re you doing here?”

 

“Breaking you out. I can get you out of the city. You need to get to Arkadia before the blockade.” Clarke explained as she made quick work of his bindings.

 

“Arkadia? Why the hell would I go there?”

 

“Because if you don’t, the Grounders will kill you. Tomorrow at dawn there will be a kill order on all Skaikru. Wait just outside the city. Octavia will find you. Okay? Murphy, this is important.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I got it. Get out of the city. Go back to Jaha and his freaky drug.” Murphy said with a groan as he stretched his stiff arms.

 

Clarke froze, her eyes raking around the room. “What is this place?”

 

“How would I know?” Murphy rolled his eyes.

 

Clarke huffed out an irritated breath, turning away from Murphy to look at the highly decorated walls. The frescoes were breathtaking as they wound around the room. “Okay, whatever. We need to get moving before Titus or somebody else comes back. Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine, Clarke.” Murphy waved her off as Clarke tried to hover over him. “I just want to get out of here.”

 

Clarke searched around for a moment until she found Murphy’s shirt, covered in blood, but intact. “Here, put this on. We’ll find you something else, but this will work for now.” Once Murphy was dressed, Clarke guided him out of the room. Murphy winced at the sunlight, covering his eyes with one hand.

 

“Let’s go.” Clarke led the way through the winding streets of Polis, mindful of the warriors that lived in the area. If any of them recognized her, it would mean death for Murphy and she couldn’t even imagine what her punishment would be.

 

Murphy, for once in his life, did not argue with her. He simply followed after her silently. Once they reached the outskirts of the city, Clarke stopped. “I can’t go any further. I’ll be missed. See that hill?” She pointed to the tall hill a few miles away. “Wait there. I’ll send Octavia.”

 

“Grounder pounder?”

 

“Not now, Murphy. If you get caught, there won’t be anything I can do. Polis is on high alert. Stay hidden until Octavia comes. Stay out of sight and out of the trees.”

 

“Got it. You going back to your politicking?” He asked with a grin, tugging his hood over his head.

 

“Well somebody needs to try to keep us all alive.” Clarke paused for a moment before extending an arm. “May we meet again.”

 

“May we meet again.” Murphy replied with a smirk before turning away from her and walking out of the city.

 

Clarke glanced up at the sun and let out a low curse. She was late. And if she missed the ceremony, then Titus would know something was up and everything would go wrong again. She rushed through the crowds of Polis, breaking into a jog as she neared the tower.

 

The guard at the door nodded respectively to her, not commenting on her flushed cheeks or harsh breathing. She hurried up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

 

Finally, she reached the level with the elevator, and nearly collapsed into the small metal box. Her heart couldn’t seem to slow down even as she exited the elevator and snuck into the throne room right before the ceremony started. Lexa gave her a strange look, but did nothing more than nod at her as Clarke took her place.

 

Clarke worked to control her breathing as Lexa began the ceremony only to be interrupted by Semet.

 

“ _The Flamekeeper promised we would be heard!_ ”

 

“Titus, what is this?” Lexa asked quietly, anger brewing in her tone.

 

“This is something you need to hear, Heda.”

 

“What happened?” Clarke interrupted, already knowing the answer.

 

Titus glanced at Clarke contemptuously before saying, “Skaikru attacked their village because their warriors were lost when your people massacred them when they were sent to protect you.”

 

“ _Forgive me for intruding on this holy day, Heda. Ai laik Semet kom Trikru and I come seeking justice. Heda, I beg of you. Avenge us._ ”

 

“Octavia!” Clarke rushed across the room, ignoring the looks Titus and Lexa gave her. “Octavia, I need you to stay calm. I have something I need you to do as soon as we’re out of here.” Octavia rolled her eyes but nodded. “ _Heda,_ ” Clarke called to Lexa, who instantly looked up. Titus glared next to her. “ _Ai as op breik Okteivia kom Skaikru au_.”

 

“ _Breik em au._ ” Lexa said, “Take her to Wanheda’s quarters.” Semet growled in anger, but Lexa lifted her hand. “Skaikru will be held responsible for their actions, but Octavia is not the one who killed your family. She did not follow their leader. Do you wish to defy me, Semet?”

 

“No, Heda.” Semet gritted out, turning away from her.

 

“Wanheda, I would ask your council on your people.” Lexa lifted her chin as she spoke to Clarke, crossing her arms behind her back. “Titus, Clarke, I would speak to you in private.”

 

“Of course,” Clarke quickly followed Lexa and Titus to one of the side rooms, acutely aware of Titus. The man was watching her like a predator, as if he was already planning her murder.

 

“This is the second time Skaikru attacked Trikru, despite my call for peace. Your leader, Chancellor Pike, has proven time and time again that he has no respect for me or my coalition.”

 

“Not everybody supports Pike. There are those who support Kane.”

 

“But your people did not support Kane. They supported Pike.” Titus interjected, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Heda, I beg of you. Call upon the 12 armies and crush the Skaikru.”

 

“If you attack, more people will die. They have guns in Arkadia, you saw what happened to your 300 warriors and that was only 10 people.”

 

“We are well aware of the brutality of Skaikru.” Titus said, his eyes boring into Clarke. Clarke met his gaze easily, lifting an eyebrow in challenge. “Heda, if you do not deal with the Skaikru, you will the lose the trust you only recently regained of the coalition.”

 

Lexa paused, her eyes flashing between Clarke and Titus. “I have made my decision.”

 

Once back in the throne room, she spoke to the crowd, “I call upon the armies of the 12 clans. To march on Arkadia, not to attack, but to contain. We will allow Skaikru time to dispose of their leader and then they may rejoin the coalition as the 13th clan.”

 

“How is this revenge, Heda?” Semet snarled, his shoulders arched as he approached Lexa. “Skaikru killed so many of our people, my family, and you will let them live?”

 

Clarke glanced down at his hands, twitching towards the knife at his waist. “It is not revenge, my brother. It is-“

 

“Knife!” Clarke cried out, dragging Lexa out of the way as Semet lunged at her. Titus and one of Lexa’s personal guards wrestled him to the ground, forcing the blade from his hand. When Titus rose, Semet lay dead on the ground, his knife covered in his blood.

 

Both girls’ breath came in short pants, their chests nearly touching. “Thank you, Clarke.”

 

“Anytime,” Clarke replied, her voice far huskier than she would’ve liked. She helped right Lexa before taking a short step away from the taller girl. Lexa stared at her with something akin to wonder.

 

“Blood must have blood, Heda.” Titus spat out, handing the knife off to a guard. Lexa lifted her chin defiantly, arching one eyebrow.

 

“Heda, I should go check on Octavia.”

 

“Of course, go. Titus, send riders. I want the armies ready to march by tonight. Any Skaikru found crossing the line will be subject to a kill order.” Clarke met Lexa’s gaze and gave her a soft nod. She knew that this was the only way.

 

Clarke found Octavia much as she had the past few times: pacing angrily across the floor, her fingers itching for a sword. “I can see why you stayed.”

 

“It isn’t like that and you know that.”

 

“So what did you and the Commander decide to do about Skaikru? You were gone for an awfully long time.”

 

Clarke sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “The Coalition armies march on Arkadia.”

 

“What?” Octavia spun around, her eyes flashing dangerously. “You’re allowing our people to be slaughtered!”

 

“Not to attack,” Clarke continued, “they’re blockading Arkadia. A 5 mile radius. Any member of Skaikru found outside that area will be subject to a kill order.”

 

“How is that better?”

 

“What would you have me do, Octavia? My hands are tied. This is the second large-scale attack committed by Skaikru. A blockade is the only way. It will give you and Kane time to remove Pike and the others. Once that happens, then Skaikru will be accepted back into the Coalition as the 13th Clan.”

 

“Are you not coming back?”

 

Clarke shook her head. “No, I can’t.”

 

“You can’t or you won’t?” Octavia asked with a sneer.

 

“I can’t. Because of what I’m about to ask of you.” Octavia motioned for Clarke to continue. “I need you to leave Polis now. I found Murphy. Titus had him locked away where he was torturing him.”

 

“Murphy?”

 

“Yeah, I know, I was surprised too. But we need to get him out of here. He’s waiting just outside of the city for you, beyond the big hill. Octavia, please. I need you to do this.”

 

“Fine,” Octavia sighed, “I’ll do it. When will the blockade begin?”

 

“Dawn tomorrow. You need to hurry back. Go to the stable and tell them that I am sending you back to Arkadia. They will give you a horse. And Octavia, when you get to Arkadia, it is imperative that you remove Pike from leadership. Until he is gone, we can never have peace.”

 

“Clarke,” began Octavia, nervously ringing her hands. “What happens if we don’t? Will the armies attack?”

 

“That’s why I’m staying here. I will do everything in my power to protect our people. May we meet again, Octavia kom Skaikru,” Clarke said with a half smirk, offering her arm to the younger girl.

 

The corner of Octavia’s mouth twitched as she grasped Clarke’s arm. “May we meet again, Wanheda.”

 

“Move quickly. You won’t have very much time before Titus realizes Murphy is gone. Go. And good luck.”

 

“You too, Clarke.” Octavia shot a smile towards Clarke before she exited. Clarke sank down into one of the chairs, her heart slowing only fractionally. Now she would have to wait. Wait for the fallout and pray that nobody died.

 

She spent the majority of her day pacing and thinking. Without Murphy, Titus wouldn’t use the gun. Without Murphy, nobody would die of a bullet wound.

 

As the sun began to dip below the horizon, Clarke found herself wandering through the tower until she came to a stop in front of Lexa’s door. She knocked softly before slipping into the room.

 

“Lexa?”

 

Lexa appeared from the backroom, her hair draped gracefully over one shoulder. “Clarke, do you need something?”

 

“You.” Clarke advanced on Lexa slowly, marveling at the sight of the girl in front of her.

 

“If you wish to return to Arkadia, I can have our fastest horse prepared for you. I know you wish to return to your people. Although, you are welcome to stay in Polis if that is what you would prefer.” Lexa paused to take a breath, her cheeks tinged pink. “It is your choice, Clarke.”

 

Clarke took another step towards Lexa until she stood directly in front of Lexa. She watched as Lexa’s breath caught in her chest. “And I choose you.” Clarke reached forward and pulled Lexa towards her. Their lips met feverishly. Lexa’s hands hovered at Clarke’s waist uncertainly until Clarke threaded her fingers through Lexa’s hair.

 

They pulled apart, their foreheads still touching. “Clarke, are you sure?”

 

“God, yes.” Clarke moved forward again, eager to feel Lexa against her.

 

Lexa smiled into the kiss, her hands sliding up Clarke’s back.

 

“Lexa!” A shout broke them apart, Lexa still holding on tightly to Clarke.

 

“Titus, what is the meaning of this?” Lexa shifted to stand slightly in front of Clarke, staring at the guards that surrounded Titus.

 

“I am here to arrest Clarke kom Skaikru. She and Octavia kom Skaikru helped a dangerous Skaikru thief escape. He was caught in possession of your sacred symbol, Heda. And Clarke,” he sneered at the blonde cruelly, “was seen taking him out of the city and then she sent Octavia to the stable to get a horse and leave the city.”

 

“Clarke?” Lexa asked softly, taking a step away from the blonde.

 

“I’m sorry, Lexa. They’re my people.” Clarke lifted her chin as two guards stepped forward to grab her arms.

 

Lexa’s throat bobbed as she nodded. “I know. And I am sorry as well, Clarke. I cannot allow this to go unpunished. Take her away.”

 

Clarke glanced over her shoulder as she was forced away. Lexa wiped hurriedly at her cheeks, leaning onto a wall for support.

 

And in that moment, Clarke thought her heart broke more then than when she had been shot.

 

As she was shoved into the cell, and the door was slammed shut, she had to admit that it felt very full circle. Titus peered into the window, mirth lighting his eyes. “Wanheda, thanks to your actions, you will no longer be a problem for Heda. You are no longer a weakness for her.”

 

“I’m sure you’re happy, Titus. But I know what you’ve done.” Clarke called out as she settled on the small bed in the corner. Titus let out a scoff before leaving Clarke.

 

She stared up at the ceiling. “At least we’re both still alive,” she sighed into the silence.

 

A thin sliver of moonlight was the only light in the room, bathing one wall in an eerie glow.

 

Slowly, her eyes drifted shut and she fell into an uneasy sleep.

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

When Clarke woke, she expected her back to be in pain from lying on the lumpy mattress, but she just felt warm and comfortable.

 

She rolled onto her side to stare at the stone wall, instead finding her room’s gorgeous view of the city.

 

“For the love of god,” Clarke groaned, rolling back onto her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay, folks! and see nobody died this time around, so perhaps we're making progress. also, quick side note, in the previous chapter, i kinda screwed up the ascension day ceremony because i could not bring myself to watch any part of the episode. yiiikkesss. alrighty then folks, i'll be trying to update as quickly as possible. 
> 
> come scream at me about everything and anything below in the comments or on tumblr at jessivajones.tumblr.com
> 
> ~ebh


	4. chapter iii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day #3

**chapter iii.**

“Wanheda, would you like me to draw a bath?” Sonja asked as she entered the room.

 

“Hmm, yes, please.” Clarke replied automatically, running a hand through her hair. “Have you ever heard of Déjà vu, Sonja?”

 

“Déjà vu?” Sonja tested the words shyly, her brow creasing in confusion. “Is that a Skaikru word?”

 

“Never mind, it’s not important.” Clarke waved a hand, turning away from the girl. That was the only explanation: Clarke was just dreaming everything up, right?

 

She rifled through the art supplies that Lexa had given her until she found a blank piece of paper. She quickly scribbled down the events that had occurred, staring at the paper in wonder. Lexa had _died._ Clarke had _died_. Clarke had been imprisoned. And all in the same day, or not the same day, but she got the idea. Her mouth creased into a frown as she wrote a few more things down.

 

“Wanheda, your bath is ready.”

 

“I’ll be there in a moment.” Clarke folded the piece of paper, slipping it back amongst the other papers. The last thing she needed was for somebody else to find out what was happening.

 

Her thoughts were still whirring as she slipped into the warm water. Sonja hummed the same song that she had the day before, a soft, lilting tune.

 

“What are you humming?”

 

“Oh, I’m sorry, I can stop, Wanheda. I wasn’t thinking.”

 

“No, no, it’s fine. I like it.” Clarke flashed a smile up at the girl, causing her to blush. “I’ve just never heard it before.”

 

Sonja began to rub soap into Clarke’s scalp. “It’s a song my grandmother used to sing me. It was from the Old World. I forget the word, but it’s for before bed for children.”

 

“A lullaby.”

 

“Yes,” Sonja nodded happily, “That’s it, a lullaby.”

 

“Is there a word in Trigedasleng for that?”

 

Sonja paused for a moment, her hands still in Clarke’s hair. “ _Sha, rid op mus._ ”

 

“Sleep music. That makes sense.” Clarke repeated the words, mindful of her pronunciation.

 

“Do Skaikru have such songs?”

 

“Mhm, there was one my dad used to sing to me all the time. It was also from the Old World. I think it was called An Irish Lullaby.” Sonja handed Clarke a towel and turned her back.

 

“I’d like to hear that someday. Your people sound so interesting.” Sonja said, her back still to Clarke.

 

“Yours are equally as fascinating. Perhaps you could teach me about your culture and I’ll teach you about mine. You can turn around.”

 

Sonja moved quickly to hand Clarke her clothes as she said, “I’m not sure my gonasleng is good enough for that, Wanheda.”

 

“Then I’ll help you with that as well.” Clarke grinned again, delighting in the blush that lit up Sonja’s face. “Do you mind? I can’t quite reach some of these ties.” Clarke spun so Sonja could reach the ties at the back of Clarke’s shirt. “Mochof, Sonja.”

 

“Of course, Wanheda. I will come fetch you when it is time for the ceremony.”

 

Sonja was almost out the door when Clarke called after her, “Wait, Sonja, do you know if Heda has had her breakfast yet?”

 

“I believe she is in the kitchens now.”

 

“Mochof, Sonja.” Clarke followed Sonja out of the room, splitting away from Sonja towards the kitchens. A number of people nodded to her as she walked through the tower, ducking their heads in reverence of Wanheda. When she entered the kitchen, the cook, a portly man with a red face, directed her to the corner where Lexa was seated. “Morning, Lexa.”

 

Lexa glanced up, the barest hint of a smile on her lips as she motioned for Clarke to join her. “Good morning, Clarke. Did you sleep well?”

 

“As well as I could hope.” Clarke replied easily, her heart lifting at the simple domesticity of the scene. “And you?”

 

“I spent most of my night in meditation. Ascension Day is one of our most holy days, especially for the Commander.” Lexa explained, waving to the cook to bring Clarke some food.

 

“What exactly is Ascension Day? You’ve never explained it to me.”

 

“Ascension Day is the day in which we honor the Commanders before me. And the Nightbloods that will succeed me after my death.” Clarke flinched at her words.

 

“Don’t you ever talk about anything but your death?” Clarke snapped, instantly regretting her words. Lexa glanced away from her, biting her lower lip gingerly. “I’m sorry, Lexa. I didn’t-“

 

“Clarke, I am the Commander. Death is the only constant in my life. Those around me die.” Lexa stated as if she was talking about the weather, but her eyes betrayed her. “To be Commander is to be alone.”

 

Clarke sneered at the words. “Let me guess, that comes from Titus.”

 

Lexa frowned for a moment before nodding. “Yes, Titus has served many Commanders in his lifetime.”

 

“And how many of them have created peace like you have?”

 

“I have not created peace, Clarke. Even now, Skaikru are on the brink of war with the Coalition. My hands will soon be tied if Skaikru does not back off. I cannot allow them to continuously invade my lands. If I do not act a second time, there will be another vote of no confidence and you will not be able to save me this time.” Lexa smiled sadly at Clarke.

 

Clarke reached across the table, catching Lexa’s scarred hand in hers. “Lexa, I will always do whatever I can to save you.” Lexa lifted her gaze to Clarke’s, something beautifully hopeful in her eyes.

 

“Thank you, Clarke.”

 

“What if you preemptively move against Skaikru?” Clarke suggested, stirring her porridge slowly.

 

“Are you suggesting that I attack Skaikru after calling for peace?” Lexa asked, a tone of offense seeping into her tone.

 

“No, no, nothing like that.” Clarke shook her head quickly. “What if you blockade Skaikru? Don’t allow them to attack your villages, but give them time to remove Pike and the others and put Kane back in power.”

 

“And if Skaikru violates the blockade lines? Clarke, you must know the only course of action is a kill order on all Skaikru.” Clarke nodded, biting the inside of her cheek. “You would allow your people to be put in such danger?”

 

“If it ended the fighting, then yes, yes I would.”

 

Lexa stared out of the small window for a moment, looking across the sprawl of Polis. Then she turned back to Clarke, who was watching nervously. “I think that this is a good plan. I will call upon the 12 Armies before the ceremony. Come, speak with Titus with me?” Clarke nodded, joining Lexa as she stood. As they walked, Lexa spoke softly, shyness tingeing her voice, “Clarke, I know you probably wish to return to your people, but you should also know that you will always be welcome in Polis, if you want to. I wouldn’t presume to know your thoughts. It is entirely up to you.” Lexa finished with a gasp of breath, the tips of her ears bright pink.

 

Clarke smiled at Lexa’s shyness. “But what about the kill order? I think I would be fairly far past the blockade line.”

 

“You would be here as my guest. _Jomp em op en yu jomp ai op_.” Lexa echoed her words from so long ago softly. Clarke had to fight back a grin at the other girl’s words – Lexa still hadn’t learned how much of her native language Clarke had learned in her months away.

 

“Oh, I’m sure Titus will love that.”

 

“Titus is not Commander, I am.” Lexa snarled, her hands clenching into fists at her side.

 

“You may want to remind him of that.” Clarke said, a harsh chuckle punctuating her statement.

 

Lexa hummed in response, knocking on a door. After waiting a beat, Lexa entered the room. Titus looked up from his paper, his face twisting into a grimace as he noticed Clarke.

 

“Heda,” Titus greeted as he stood to his feet to bow slightly to Lexa. “How can I help you?”

 

“Clarke and I have come up with a solution for the issues with the Skaikru.”

 

“Oh?” He tipped his head to the side, eyes flitting between the two girls. “And what is that?”

 

“A blockade,” answered Clarke, stepping forward.

 

“I would call upon the 12 armies to blockade Arkadia. It would halt their movements beyond their borders and force them into submission.” Lexa explained further, folding her hands behind her back. “Clarke also believes that given time, her people will remove their Chancellor and put Kane back into power. Once Kane is in power, then Skaikru will be welcomed back into the Coalition as the 13th Clan.”

 

Titus paced back and forth in front of his desk, deep in thought. “And if Skaikru simply uses this time to plan another attack? What then? Will you allow your people to be slaughtered?”

 

Clarke’s jaw tightened and she crossed her arms. “I have faith in my people that they will come to see reason and remove Pike.”

 

“Heda,” he turned his attention to Lexa, “I respect your call for blood must not have blood. You must know, the other clans will support the blockade, but they will not accept Skaikru back into the Coalition. Blood must have some blood or at least some punishment. If you simply allow Skaikru back into the Coalition, it might incite rebellion amongst the other clans. Do not allow your judgment to be clouded once more.”

 

The flash of fury that Clarke saw in Lexa’s eyes was unlike anything she had seen since landing on earth. “Very well, on the condition that Skaikru hands over Chancellor Pike and those who carried out the massacre,” Lexa ground out, “they will be welcomed back into the Coalition. Will this satisfy the other clans?” She asked mockingly.

 

Titus nodded, “Yes, thank you for seeing reason, Heda. You must prepare for the ceremony. Wanheda, is there anything else?”

 

“No,” Clarke said, her voice tight, her eyes fixed on Lexa. “Nothing at all.” She turned sharply on her heel to leave the room.

 

She stormed past the guard, her emotions boiling within her. How can Lexa just sentence ten people to death? How dare she? Once she felt she was far enough away from Titus’s quarters, Clarke slumped against a wall, cradling her head in her hands. She worked to steady her breathing, to calm the rapid beating of her heart.

 

“Clarke?” A soft voice called out to her.

 

“How could you?” Clarke snarled. “After everything, you still are killing my people. What happened to blood must not have blood?”

 

Lexa shuffled back slightly, her eyes averted. But then she lifted her gaze to meet Clarke’s, her chin lifted proudly. “So blood must not have blood only applies to my people? Is that it, Clarke? We’re expendable so long as Skaikru remains safe and happy. My people’s blood can feed the earth but gods forbid that a single drop of Skaikru blood touches the earth.” Lexa inhales shakily. “Clarke, this is the only way.”

 

“You’re putting out a kill order on people that helped us!” Clarke threw her arms up in the air in frustration. “Bellamy went into the Mountain by himself to save _your_ people. He nearly died for them.”

 

At the mention of Bellamy, Lexa’s face turned to stone, not a single emotion visible, even in her eyes. “And then he killed 300 of my people. I’m sorry Clarke, if you wish for Skaikru to rejoin the Coalition, there must be retribution for Skaikru’s action. Would you not sacrifice the few who committed the act to save your people? The death of one for the peace of many.”

 

Clarke’s lips curled back into a feral snarl, “We’ve been there before, haven’t we, Commander?” Lexa swallowed slowly, nodding stiffly.

 

“Clarke, I do not mean this as an insult to you. This is the only way I can allow Skaikru back into the Coalition. Please, see reason.”

 

Clarke started at the begging tone in Lexa’s voice. She stared up at Lexa, who’s eyes were so wide and nervous. Clarke pinched the bridge of her nose. “You can have Pike. Whatever justice you feel you deserve, take it. But the others will just be banished. Let them live with the guilt of their actions.”

 

Lexa shifted again, her hands moving behind her back. “I will think about it. We can discuss again when Kane is Chancellor again, he ought to have a say in this as well.”

 

“Fine,” Clarke spat out, still glaring at Lexa.

 

“I’m sorry, I must go and prepare for the ceremony. Do you still plan to stay in Polis, Clarke?”

 

“I’m not sure. I’ll let you know later today.”

 

Clarke did not look back. She couldn’t.

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

“Clarke, what the hell is going on? There’s a kill order being put in place on all Skaikru? How could you let this happen?” Octavia ranted as Clarke entered the room. Clarke closed the door behind her before responding,

 

“There will be a blockade of Arkadia. Any Skaikru found beyond the zone will be subject to a kill order.”

 

“How could you let this happen?”

 

“It was either a blockade or a war.” Clarke said flatly. “Once Pike is removed, Skaikru will rejoin the Coalition.”

 

“How can you let Lexa do this?”

 

“I am trying my best to keep as many people alive as possible, Octavia. If that means a few have to die so that our people survive, then so be it!” Clarke’s voice bounced around the room. Octavia stared at her, wide eyed. “See reason, Octavia. Please.”

 

“Where’s Indra?” Octavia asked.

 

“She’ll be by the market place. Ask one of the guards, they’ll tell you.”

 

“I’m finding Indra. And then I’m leaving for Arkadia. Unlike you, I won’t just let our people be slaughtered.”

 

Clarke fought back a snarl as she said, “Come to my room later tonight, and I will make sure you get back to Arkadia without any trouble.”

 

“Fine.”

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

“Heda is not in there, Wanheda.” One of Lexa’s guards said as Clarke raised her hand to knock on the door. “She is in the library.”

 

“Mochof,” muttered Clarke before she turned away to hurry to the small personal library. The door was slightly ajar and soft candle light leaked underneath the doorway.

 

She found Lexa at a desk, hunched over numerous stacks of paper. “Hello, Clarke.”

 

“How’d you know it was me?” Clarke asked, dropping into one of the chairs. “Unless you have eyes in the back of your head or something.”

 

Lexa shot Clarke a confused look before replying, “You were the only person I told my guard to share my location with.”

 

“Oh,” Clarke nodded, glancing at the papers surrounding Lexa. “What’re you working on?”

 

Lexa’s cheeks flushed red momentarily. “I was reading through some historical documents from the Old World. I want to learn more about how they created peace, even if it ultimately failed. We can learn from their mistakes.”

 

“Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” Clarke quoted with a wry smile.

 

“Winston Churchill.” Lexa grinned back at Clarke’s look of surprise. “The last known copies of his works were given to me on my first Ascension Day.”

 

“I would love to read them if you’d be willing.”

 

“Does this mean you’re staying?”

 

Clarke’s heart melted at the hopeful look on Lexa’s face. “For the time being. I have unfinished business here.”

 

“Unfinished business?”

 

“Yes, you see, there’s this girl.” Lexa glanced away, a frown marring her features. “She’s really great, but I haven’t had a chance to tell her this.”

 

“I’m happy for you, Clarke. You deserve all the happiness in this world.” Lexa’s hands drifted over her papers, slowly gathering them. “If you need anything from me, I think I’m going to retire to my quarters.”

 

“Lexa, wait,” Clarke caught the other girl’s wrist as she stood to leave. “You deserve all the happiness in the world as well.”

 

“I’m afraid that’s not realistic, Clarke.” Lexa twisted out of Clarke’s grip, moving to leave.

 

“Lexa, stop. Would you just wait a moment?”

 

“Of course, Clarke. I will always wait for you.” Lexa admitted shyly. “What is it?”

 

“As I was saying,” Clarke stood to move closer to Lexa, “There’s this girl. She’s got the biggest heart and a beautiful smile, even if I don’t get to see it as often as I like. She’s amazing really,” Clarke tipped Lexa’s chin up with her fingers. “And it just so happens she is the leader of her people.” Lexa’s breath caught in her chest as Clarke moved into Lexa’s space. “And I’d really like to kiss her about now.” Lexa nodded slightly, her throat bobbing. Clarke leaned up, pressing her lips sweetly to Lexa’s.

 

When they pulled apart, Lexa exhaled shakily, her eyes wide and watery. “Did you mean all that?”

 

“Let me show you,” Clarke said with a smirk, tugging Lexa out of the room.

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

As Clarke languidly kissed down the column of Lexa’s throat, she couldn’t help but grin against Lexa’s skin. She felt lighter, happier than she had in a while.

 

Lexa let out a soft moan as Clarke nipped at the sensitive skin at her pulse point.

 

“Clarke, I think…” Lexa gasped again. “I think I’m in-“

 

A gunshot echoed somewhere in the tower, causing the two girls to fall apart. “What was that?”

 

“Skaikru weapon.” Lexa was already out of bed, pulling on clothes and grabbing her sword. Clarke followed quickly, barely pulling her shirt over her head before Lexa was rushing out of the door. “It sounded like it came from near your room. Clarke, stay behind me.”

 

“Yeah, that’s not happening.” Clarke muttered to herself as she jogged along side Lexa.

 

The door to Clarke’s room was thrown open and a figure lay on the ground in front of it. “Octavia!” Clarke sprinted forward, dropping to her knees in front of the girl. Red blood stained the floor around her, blood spilling from her chest and lips.

 

“Clarke,” Octavia stammered out, her voice weak. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry for what I said. You’re a good person. Tell, tell Lincoln I love him. Please. And tell Bellamy, tell him I forgive him.” Octavia coughed again, more blood trickling from her mouth.

 

“No, no, Octavia. It’s going to be okay.” Clarke cradled Octavia’s head in her lap.

 

In the room, there was a crash as Lexa slammed the attacker into something.

 

“Please, Lexa!”

 

“Octavia, stay with me. If you die, I swear I’m gonna kill you myself.”

 

“Nah, princess, you won’t.” Octavia chuckled weakly, grinning at Clarke. “I’m alright, princess. Tell Lincoln. Please.”

 

“I will, Octavia. Shh, it’ll be alright.” Clarke brushed a hand lightly through Octavia’s hair. “Shh, just relax. Lexa!” Clarke called out. The girl in question appeared in the doorway, her face filled with a thundering anger.

 

“It was Titus.” Lexa growled.

 

“I need something to stop the bleeding. Please, Lexa.” Clarke pressed her hands against Octavia’s wound, blood slipping over her fingers. “Please,” she sobbed.

 

Lexa pulled her shirt off, and handed it to Clarke. Clarke quickly held it over Octavia’s wound, but soon the shirt was drenched in blood.

 

They must have made a strange scene as the guards came running: the Commander standing in sleep pants and a wrap while Wanheda sobbed over one of her warriors.

 

“Arrest Titus. Now.” Lexa ordered, her voice barely more than a bark. “Put him in the throne room. I will be there soon to deliver his sentence.” The guards nodded and disappeared into the room.

 

They hauled Titus out, a nasty looking wound on his head, most likely from Lexa.

 

“Octavia, c’mon, stay with me.”

 

“Sorry, princess,” Octavia rasped, “it hurts.” Octavia’s eyes were glassy as she stared up at the two other girls. “Treat her right, Heda. Or I’ll have to haunt your ass.”

 

“Death is not the end, brave Octavia,” Lexa said as she crouched down. “Okteivia kom _Trikru_ ,” Octavia managed to grin at that, blood staining her teeth a gruesome red. With that, Octavia’s eyes drifted shut and her body stilled. Clarke let out a guttural sob, her hands soaked in her friend’s blood. “Yu gonplei ste oden, Okteivia kom Trikru en Skaikru.” Lexa reached over to Clarke, resting a hand on her shoulder.

 

“Come, Clarke. We will have her body prepared. She would want to be returned to her people, no?”

 

“Heda!” Indra called from the other end of the hallway, limping quickly towards them. “What happened?” Indra fell to her knees, her eyes fixed on her former second. “Who is responsible?”

 

“Titus,” growled Lexa. “Indra, what would you call for his punishment? She was your sekon.”

 

“Death.”

 

“Then you shall have it.”

 

“She should have a warrior’s funeral.” Indra said, brushing a hand through Octavia’s hair. “She was a warrior.”

 

“Yes,” said Lexa, “She was. Clarke, please, come with me. As she was one of your people, you must be there for Titus’ sentencing.”

 

“He wanted to kill me.”

 

“I know. And he will die for it.”

 

“I told her to come here.” Lexa gently lifted Clarke away from Octavia’s blood, her blood covering Clarke. “It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.”

 

“Shhh, no, Clarke. It is Titus’ fault. And he will pay for it with his life. Indra, you shall have the honor of the first cut.” Lexa called out for one of the guards nearby. “Take her body and prepare it for the funeral. She was a great warrior, take care.” The woman nodded brusquely, leaning down to lift Octavia’s body.

 

Indra stood to her feet, pain etched into her face. “Titus will die.”

 

“Yes, he will,” Lexa confirmed. “Ai hodnes,” Lexa said softly to Clarke, her arms still tightly wrapped around Clarke, “I need to get dressed and then Titus will pay.”

 

Clarke nodded wearily, allowing Lexa to guide her away from the pool of blood. Lexa continued to whisper words of comfort to Clarke until they entered her room and Clarke sank into one of the chairs. Lexa quickly dressed herself in more formal attire and pressed a kiss to Clarke’s forehead.

 

“Come, ai hodnes.”

 

As they entered the throne room, whispers rushed through the small crowd while Lexa took her throne. Titus was strapped up, much like Emerson had been.

 

“We are gathered here at this late hour due to a betrayal of the worst kind. Titus, my Fleimkepa, has committed treason. He went to Wanheda’s room, expecting to kill her, but instead he killed a brave Skaikru warrior, Octavia.” At this, Indra let out a low growl, fury lighting her eyes. “For this, Titus, you will die.”

 

“I did it to protect you, Heda. Wanheda will be your downfall. She will be your weakness. I cannot watch as you become weak once more.”

 

“It is a good thing then,” Lexa interjected, “that you will not live to see the next dawn. Titus kom Trikru, you are sentenced to die by a thousand cuts.” She turned to Indra, “Indra, the first cut is yours.”

 

Indra stepped up to Titus, her knife already in her hand. “That girl was a braver warrior than you ever were, bushhada.” She snarled, slicing along his upper arm.

 

Lexa settled in her throne, nodding to Clarke. “Wanheda, she was of your people.”

 

Indra passed her blade to Clarke, a nod of respect passing between the two women.

 

“There will be no mercy for you, Titus, in this life or the next.”

 

“What power do you have, girl?” Titus spat as Clarke paused for a moment, considering him.

 

“I’m Wanheda.”

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

Clarke rolled over, nearly falling off the bed. She let out a loud groan, staring at her hands and finding them clean and free of any remnants of blood. “I swear to whatever god is out there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry. really and truly. but hey there was kinda fluff??
> 
> also i believe 100% that lexa is a huge history nerd and nobody can tell me otherwise. 
> 
> you can yell at me below in the comments or at jessivajones.tumblr.com
> 
> ~ebh


	5. chapter iv.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day #4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry for the delay! i had my last week before break and it was super hectic! 
> 
> pro tip: listen to jeff buckley's hallelujah. it's totally not angsty.

**chapter iv.**

“For the ever-fucking-love of god,” Clarke muttered as she hauled herself out of bed, “what the fuck is going on?” It felt so good to curse and swear and get angry. She slammed a fist into her pillow. She threw herself onto the bed face first. “Goddamnit. I just want it to stop.” She muffled her scream in her pillow.

 

The knock at her door felt mocking to her.

 

“Wanheda?”

 

“A moment, Sonja.” Clarke tossed her pillow aside with a grunt. She stared up at the ceiling for a moment before rising from her bed. Sonja stood sheepishly in the doorway, wringing her hands together. “Come in, Sonja. I’ll be a moment.”

 

“Would you like me to prepare a bath then, Wanheda?”

 

“Yes, please, Sonja.” Clarke waved for the woman to enter. Sonja hurried off to prepare Clarke’s bath.

 

Clarke wiped a hand over her face, frustration seeping into her bones. She had to, no, _needed_ to get out of this situation. “Maybe I should just remove myself altogether?”

 

It had to work. She would leave before anything could even begin to happen. Just disappear again. The world was better off without her. She didn’t want to die. But she didn’t want to hurt those she cared for anymore.

 

“Wanheda, your bath is ready.”

 

“Mochof, Sonja.” Clarke numbly followed the other woman towards the back, shedding her clothes without thought. “Sonja, I can do it myself.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes,” snapped Clarke, “I’m sure.”

 

Sonja glanced away as she nodded, gathering her supplies. “Would you like breakfast in your room?”

 

“Yes, please.”

 

Sonja nodded and then left the room.

 

Clarke sank beneath the water, allowing the warmth to envelope her. She stayed there for as long as possible until her nose started to burn. She floated to the surface, greedily sucking in air.

 

She would leave as soon as possible. It would save Lexa’s life and potentially many others. It was for the best.

 

She ran through her plan as she scrubbed the soap from her hair. As she rose from the tub, her entire body shook with the cold. Sonja had laid her clothes for the day and Clarke silently thanked the woman, especially given Clarke’s cold dismissal of her.

 

Once she was dressed, Clarke pulled out a sheet of fresh paper and a writing utensil. She stared out over Polis before putting pen to paper.

 

The sounds of Polis drifted up to Clarke’s window as she scribbled her thoughts onto the paper. Each word felt like another remnant of her shattered heart, but she persevered. She had to. It was the only thing that would keep Lexa safe.

 

She neatly folded the paper, writing ‘Lexa’ across the back in large, bold letters. Pressing her lips briefly to the paper, she set it down on the table.

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

Hood pulled over her face, Clarke made her way out of the city. She led a horse behind her that had been easily retrieved from the stables. At the sight of the still legendary Wanheda, the stable boy had been quick to retrieve her horse.

 

But still, as she walked through the busy streets, her heart ached painfully in her chest.

 

She had left part of herself behind in that tower, and it was likely that she would never get it back. When she walked out of the city, there would be nothing she could do to repair her relationship with Lexa.

 

As the sun reached its peak in the sky, Clarke finally reached the edge of the city. Nobody bothered her or spared her a second glance. She was nobody once more.

 

She swung herself onto the horse, careful to keep her hood over her distinctive hair.

 

She rode out of Polis and she had to fight every instinct in her body not to look back.

 

She couldn’t look back.

 

She needed to be strong.

 

She needed to save Lexa from the weakness of love.

 

“Love is weakness,” she breathed out, riding fast and hard out of Polis.

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

_Dear Lexa,_

_I’m sorry to have to do this, but it’s for the best. If I stay in Polis, all that will be accomplished is more death. I cannot bear to have more blood on my hands, especially yours. To watch you die would destroy me. This is the only way._

_But I have to tell you this: I love you, Lexa. I know I haven’t acted like it, but I do love you. I hated you at one point. God, I hated you. And still you were right. I would’ve done anything to save my people, just as you did. I couldn’t hate you for that. I couldn’t blame you for my actions._

_You have done so much for me, I don’t even think you know. You saved me, Lexa. I was drowning in the blood of the dead and you saved me. You gave me purpose once more. So thank you for that._

_God, Lexa, you are so brave and strong. But you are also so soft and loving. You are simply put the most beautiful juxtaposition. I’m sorry that we didn’t have more time. Maybe someday we will be free of obligation and can simply be Clarke and Lexa rather than Wanheda and Heda. I would’ve loved to see you in peace, real peace, not this tenuous peace we are currently existing in. I know you will bring peace. You are truly a visionary. I believe in your vision of peace._

_I once told you that life was about more than just surviving and you reminded me of that in these past few weeks. You are one of my reasons for surviving. Don’t allow your heart to grow cold, Lexa. You have such a big heart and so much to give. Don’t let me limit that._

_May we meet again._

_I love you._

_Clarke._

O-o-O-o-O

 

Lexa’s breath caught painfully in her throat as she set the letter down. Her heart beat frantically against her ribs. She numbly brushed at her cheeks, marveling at the wetness that gathered on her fingers.

 

“Clarke…” The name already felt like a ghost. Another ghost to haunt her dreams and break her. She always knew that Clarke would haunt her, but not like this. Never like this. “I love you too.”

 

The words only felt like a broken prayer, long since abandoned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates should be more regular from now on. also, how would people feel about combining some days into one chapter?
> 
> let me know what you thought in the comments or at jessivajones.tumblr.com
> 
> also, for those of you who are reading the lightning in their souls, i'm super behind and i'm 100% blaming jrottendick. that will most likely be updated end of this week/early next week. 
> 
> ~ebh


	6. chapter v.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day #5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be fluffy??? 
> 
> also i'm sorry for being so late with this, i'm traveling right now and have had spotty internet.

**endure, endure**

**chapter v.**

When Clarke opened her eyes, all she could see was darkness. Her breath caught in her throat painfully. She gasped at the air. She needed to see the brightness of Polis and not the dark of the woods where she fell asleep.

 

She rolled sharply to her side. The beautiful golden light of Polis was seeping through the window.

 

She jumped to her feet, scrambling for some clothes. She burst out of the room, nearly colliding with Sonja on the other side of the door. “Sorry, Sonja. I’m fine, I, uh, just have to, I’ll be back.” She babbled. Sonja stared after her.

 

Clarke rushed towards Lexa’s room before remembering that Lexa had been having breakfast the last time she had done this. She turned sharply on her heel halfway through one of the hallways. A servant gave her a strange look, but remained silent.

 

She found Lexa about to enter the kitchen.

 

“Lexa!” The girl in question stopped mid-step. “Lexa, wait up.”

 

“Clarke,” she greeted softly, “good morning.”

 

“Yeah, it is a good morning.” Clarke hated how breathy her voice suddenly sounded as she stood in front of Lexa. Lexa, for her part, looked simply delighted to see Clarke. “It’s a really good morning.” Clarke lunged up at Lexa, capturing her lips. Clarke gripped Lexa’s waist tightly while the taller girl gasped into her mouth. Clarke backed Lexa against the wall, unable to take her hands off Lexa.

 

When the two finally separated for air, Lexa stared at Clarke with dark eyes, “Clarke, are you sure?”

 

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” Clarke pressed her lips to Lexa’s desperately, desperate to feel Lexa. “I want you, Lexa.”

 

Lexa’s breath was shaky and her eyes were filled with unshed tears. She looked at Clarke with such pure, unfiltered adoration it made Clarke‘s heart shudder. Lexa brushed away an errant curl from Clarke’s face. “Clarke…”

 

“Sh…” Clarke murmured, “Let us just be us. Let us just be Clarke and Lexa.”

 

Lexa ducked her head for a moment. “I wish we could, ai hodnes. But today is Ascension Day.”

 

“I know. And I know you must have your ceremony,” _that will be rudely interrupted_ , she added, “but afterwards, Lexa,” Lexa shuddered under Clarke’s delicate touch as the blonde’s fingers danced along her ribcage, “it will be our time.”

 

“Sha,” Lexa breathed, “if that is what you wish.”

 

Clarke leaned up to press her lips to Lexa’s ear, “It is, Heda.” The words sent a tremor down Lexa’s body. “Will you need assistance preparing for the ceremony?”

 

Lexa ducked down to kiss Clarke again. She cradled Clarke’s jaw tenderly. “If you give me ‘assistance’, Clarke, I don’t think I will ever be ready.”

 

“Mmm, is that so, Heda?” Clarke said against Lexa’s jaw. “Am I distracting?”

 

“Very,” Lexa pushed gently at Clarke. “Clarke, we are in public, anybody could see.”

 

“All the more reason to return to your quarters.”

 

The smile that broke over Lexa’s face could’ve lit up the Ark. She laced her fingers with Clarke’s, tugging her along. “C’mon, ai hodnes.”

 

The two girls rushed through the halls, narrowly avoiding a few of the servants. Clarke couldn’t tear her eyes away from Lexa and the grin she was sporting.

 

“Heda, there are a few matters I….” Titus trailed off as he noticed Clarke behind Lexa. Lexa shifted away from Clarke, her spine straightening and her hands falling behind her back.

 

“ _Sha, Titus_?” Gone was the soft girl who eagerly kissed Clarke. “What is it?”

 

“I simply wished to check on you before the ceremony today, Heda. Also, there is a dispute between the Broadleaf Clan and the Boat Clan over some small piece of land that you will have to deal with tomorrow.”

 

“Very well, Titus. I’m sure you have other matters to attend to.” If the dismissal in her tone wasn’t evident enough, the wave of her hand was as she brushed past him. Clarke followed after her, but Titus gripped her arm.

 

“You must stop this, Clarke. You are a distraction and I will not have you destroying her.”

 

Clarke smiled sweetly at Titus, “I won’t if you won’t. Stay away from both of us, Titus. Or I’ll tell her about the Skaikru boy you’re torturing.”

 

Titus’ mask fell momentarily before it hardened once more. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Wanheda.”

 

“His name is John Murphy. He is a thief. You have been holding him in a room that contains a pod that fell to earth. Shall I go on?” Clarke grinned predatorily at him. Titus backed away slowly, his eyes narrowed at her. “It’s in your best interest to stay away, Titus.”

 

“Very well, Wanheda.” He said finally.

 

“I’m glad we understand each other.” The corner of Clarke’s mouth twitched up. “You will stay out of my way, Titus. At least for today,” added Clarke, as if as a joke to herself.

 

Before Titus could respond, Clarke slipped into Lexa’s room. Lexa did not seem to have noticed the disagreement outside her room as she moved around the room, a small smile playing across her lips.

 

Clarke paused in the doorway, just taking in the sight of Lexa in the morning light. Lexa spun quickly, her hair flying behind her and Clarke’s breath caught in her chest.

 

“You’re staring, Clarke.”

 

“You stare all the time.” Clarke said, walking closer to Lexa. Lexa glanced away from Clarke, cheeks a delightful shade of red. “It’s endearing.”

 

“I am Heda. I am not endearing.”

 

Clarke’s lips found Lexa’s cheek. “You’re endearing.” Then she moved to kiss the pout off of Lexa’s lips. “How much time do we have?”

 

Lexa glanced out the window before turning back to Clarke. “Not enough time, ai niron.”

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

Clarke traced the tattoo on Lexa’s arm gentle. The intricate designs utterly fascinated Clarke and she let Lexa know. “What do they mean?”

 

“Hmm?” Lexa rolled to her side so she was facing Clarke more fully. “Oh, each band is representative of military defeats under my command. It is a reminder.” Lexa’s eyes flitted away from Clarke’s, “The top band is new.”

 

“For Mount Weather?”

 

“Sha.”

 

“You view it as a defeat?”

 

“Mmhm. Titus disagreed with my decision to receive it. He said it was proof of my weakness. But he believes everything is weakness to the Commander. To be Commander is to be alone. One of his many pithy sayings.” Lexa let out a cold laugh, interlacing their fingers over Clarke’s thigh. “I should start preparing for the ceremony.”

 

“Titus is a fool, Lexa.” Clarke declared, pushing herself into a sitting position while Lexa stood to get dressed. “Love isn’t weakness.” Lexa looked over her shoulder, the sun highlighting her sharp features. “In all the time I have known you, you have always been strong.” Clarke swung her legs over the edge of the bed. “You are so strong and brave; not weak, never weak.”

 

Lexa smiled down at Clarke, her eyes watery. “I am so weak for you, Clarke kom Skaikru.”

 

“No, ai niron, we are each other’s strength.” Clarke tugged Lexa down for another kiss. Lexa moaned softly into Clarke’s mouth, causing the blonde to pull Lexa closer until Lexa was in her lap. Lexa moved away, her chest heaving.

 

“If you do not stop, Clarke, then Titus will have both our heads,” Lexa whispered against Clarke’s lips. Clarke froze, her heart beat rapidly increasing. The mere thought of Titus harming Lexa was enough to stop Clarke’s heart.

 

But Clarke pushed away those thoughts as she pushed Lexa off her lap. “Fine. I guess I should let you get back to your duties.”

 

Clarke was part way through redressing when there was a knock at the door. One of Lexa’s handmaidens entered, a small basket of hair ties in her hand.

 

“ _Heda, would you like me to fix your hair_?” The older woman asked gently, the hint of a smile lifting the corner of her mouth.

 

“Sha, Marin.” Lexa settled into one of the chairs gracefully. Clarke couldn’t tear her eyes away from Lexa. She just looked so peaceful, unlike anything Clarke had ever seen before. It was both heartbreaking and breathtaking at the same time.

 

Clarke’s fingers itched for something to draw Lexa with and Lexa must have sensed this as she said, “I have some extra paper and charcoal by my desk if you wish, Clarke.”

 

Clarke darted over to the desk, pretending not to hear Marin mutter to Lexa, “You are smitten, Heda.”

 

Clarke settled back in the chair, tucking her legs beneath her. She began sketching Lexa as the other girl prepared for the ceremony, but she found her mind drifting to others. To the first Grounder she knew – Anya. Before she even fully realized it, she was looking down at an image of Anya, her dark paint and eyes as frightening as ever.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa’s soft voice broke her from her reverie, “you should go and dress, more, uh, formally.”

 

Clarke glanced down at the clothes, which she had hastily thrown on in her eagerness to see Lexa, and her cheeks began to flush. “Right. I guess I’ll see you there then.”

 

“Sha,” Lexa’s cheeks began to tinge pink as Clarke sidled up to her, resting her hands on the taller girl’s hips. “I’ll see you soon, ai hodnes.”

 

“Yes, you will, babe.” Lexa’s brow furrowed in confusion. “I’ll explain it later.” Clarke captured Lexa’s lips, nipping lightly at her lower lip. Lexa leaned into the kiss, but then Clarke pulled back. “I need to get ready.” Her voice was even deeper than before, sending a shiver down Lexa’s spine. Lexa pouted a bit and it took ever ounce of Clarke’s will to fully pull away from her.

 

Once she managed to extract herself from Lexa’s arms, Clarke hurried back to her room. She knew that she should be trying to fix this odd situation, but she also really just wanted to kiss Lexa. She would give herself this day, she decided as she entered her room.

 

Sonja was waiting for her, watching Clarke with a puzzled expression. “Uh, Wanheda?”

 

“Hm, oh, sorry about this morning. I just had to speak with Heda.”

 

Sonja hesitated for a moment before nodding. “Of course, Wanheda. You will have to dress quickly for the ceremony.”

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

Clarke thought she would’ve been bored of listening Lexa begin the ceremony after all these times, but she simply took it as an opportunity to watch Lexa in her element.

 

And then, of course, as it had done time and time again, the ceremony was interrupted and everything was chaos once more. Titus was calling for war with Skaikru, again.

 

“I agree with Titus.”

 

“You what?” Lexa turned to face Clarke fully. “You want war?”

 

“They clearly won’t listen to reason.” Clarke shrugged, unable to look at the hurt expression on Lexa’s face. “Lexa, they have attacked two groups of your people and Pike won’t stop just because you blockade or send diplomats. Bring your army to his door and force him to submit. Then Kane can take back the chancellorship and we can have peace.”

 

Lexa sighed and then nodded to Titus. Titus, who still looked shocked at Clarke’s agreement, bowed. “Send messengers to the 12 clans. I want their armies ready to march by dawn tomorrow.”

 

Clarke knew that dawn would never come.

 

“Sha, Heda.” Titus bowed again, eying Clarke strangely.

 

“Clarke, may I have a moment?”

 

“Of course.” Clarke reached out for Lexa, but the other girl moved away slightly. Clarke frowned at this, asking, “What’s wrong, Lexa?”

 

“Since you landed on the ground, your focus has been on saving your people. So why are you encouraging me to attack them? What’s changed?”

 

“I have. I have changed so much since I fell from the sky.” A flash of guilt shone through Lexa’s eyes. “And with Pike in charge, all that will happen is more death and pain. But maybe if you can force him to resign, then maybe then we can have peace. Don’t we deserve that, Lexa?”

 

“But how can you risk your people?”

 

“Lexa,” Clarke said softly, tipping Lexa’s chin up with her thumb, “You are my people.” Clarke leaned into punctuate her sentence with a kiss. Lexa leaned easily into the kiss, her hands moving quickly to Clarke’s waist. As they came up for air, Clarke muttered, “I should speak to Octavia. Tell her to get those on our side out of Arkadia. If she can get them out, would there be somewhere they could go?”

 

Lexa nodded, “Sha, tell her to find Indra and take them to Tondc. It must only be those who you know to be loyal.”

 

“I trust Octavia.”

 

“I know you do.” Lexa replied with a hint of a grin.

 

Clarke rolled her eyes at Lexa’s statement before saying, “Alright. I should go talk to her before she decides to run off.”

 

“Mhm,” Lexa tugged at Clarke’s hips for another kiss, sighing contentedly as their lips met.

 

“Lexa,” warned Clarke teasingly. “I need to go.” Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa, hugging her tightly. The little sigh Lexa made was making it very difficult for Clarke to release her. “See you soon. If Octavia doesn’t kill me, that is.”

 

“Your plan is good, Clarke. You are a strong leader.”

 

“Yeah, tell that to my people.”

 

“Gladly,” Lexa said firmly.

 

“Hush, as cute as you are when you’re being all protective, I need to go speak with Octavia.”

 

Clarke pressed one last, lingering kiss to Lexa’s cheek before leaving in search of Octavia. Of course, Clarke already knew where she would be, but it was the premise of the idea.

 

“Clarke! What the hell is going on? The Coalition is declaring war on Skaikru!” Octavia began as soon as Clarke shut the door. “How could you let this happen? Our people will be slaughtered. How could you do this?”

 

“Octavia-“

 

“Oh, I know why, so you can stay here and play house with the Commander, who left us all to die.”

 

“Octavia-“

 

“You’re sick, you know that, Clarke Griffin? You’re going to let her slaughter our people.”

 

“No, that’s-“

 

“I cannot believe. You would let all of your friends, your mom die for what? Lexa?”

 

Clarke finally caught Octavia’s wrist when she paced by. “Octavia, shut up. You don’t understand what is going on.”

 

“I don’t understand what is going on?” Octavia’s voice was quickly reaching peak shrieking level. “You don’t understand what’s going on.” Octavia shoved at Clarke’s shoulder, but Clarke held her ground.

 

“Octavia, listen to me. You’re riding to Arkadia once you’ve found Indra. You are going to go to Arkadia and get those loyal to us out of there. My mom, Kane, whoever. Then, you are taking them to Tondc. If Indra says anything, say this came straight from Heda.” Octavia stared at her, anger filling her eyes. “What? You have a better plan? I didn’t think so.”

 

Octavia wrenched her arm out of Clarke’s grip. “And what? You’re just going to hang out in Polis with your traitor girlfriend?”

 

“You better get going, Octavia. You’ll find Indra near the marketplace just outside the tower.”

 

Octavia opened her mouth as if to say something, but thought better of it. She stormed out of the room, crashing into Clarke’s shoulder painfully.

 

Clarke sighed heavily, dropping into a chair. She grabbed the drawing she had been working on earlier, sketching in a few more details.

 

“You missed the scar on her left cheek.” A soft voice commented near her ear. Clarke twisted in the chair to look up at Lexa.

 

“Don’t do that.”

 

“Do what?” Lexa asked innocently.

 

“Sneak up on me. My heart is going so fast.”

 

“Are you sure it’s not just me?” Lexa smirked, leaning more fully on the chair back. Clarke smacked a hand against Lexa’s shoulder.

 

“Shut up.” Clarke pulled on Lexa’s arm until the other girl had walked around and was seated in her lap. “So I’m missing a scar?”

 

“Sha, she had one on her left cheek, just below the top of her cheek. It was very small.” Lexa pointed to a spot just beneath Anya’s cheekbone. Clarke quickly sketched in a small scar. “Mhm, that’s it. Everyone assumed it was from some battle or sparring or something heroic. But it was from when she was a youngon and her nomon hadn’t cut her nails yet and Anya scratched her own cheek.”

 

“And she told you this willingly?”

 

Lexa chuckled lightly, shaking her head. “No, she was very, very, what’s the gonasleng?”

 

“Drunk? I’m guessing.”

 

“Yes, she was very drunk. But I made sure to remind her whenever possible.”

 

“I bet she loved that,” Clarke said, twisting her fingers gently through Lexa’s curly hair.

 

“She slapped me in the head so hard I think I saw stars.” Lexa’s fingers traced along the outline of Anya’s face. “She was the closest thing I had for family.”

 

“What about your parents?” At the sight of Lexa’s hesitant expression, Clarke quickly added, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want. Why don’t you tell me about Anya? I didn’t know her for very long, or at least when she wasn’t trying to kill me, which admittedly was most of the time.”

 

Lexa glanced down, her hands falling away from Clarke’s. “Anya was lightning and thunder wrapped into one person. She was the fiercest warrior I’ve ever known. She taught me everything I know.”

 

“She’s the one who came up with all your ‘lessons’?” Clarke asked, imagining a younger version of Lexa staring up at Anya while the elder recited phrases to her.

 

“Some of them. I was a very, uh, troublesome kid.” Lexa grinned at Clarke, a bit of happiness reaching her eyes. “Constantly running off when I was supposed to be training. Messing around with the other sekons. Anya used to make me carrying water from the creek to her home if she caught me. If any of it spilled, then I had to do it again.”

 

“That explains these muscles,” Clarke teased lightly, squeezing one of Lexa’s biceps.

 

Lexa’s cheeks burned a lovely shade of pink and she quickly asked, “Did Octavia go?”

 

“Yes, she wasn’t happy about it. But she’ll do it. Hopefully, she and Indra are already on their way.”

 

“Good,” Lexa said softly, “I will be riding out with the Trikru army tonight, ai hodnes.”

 

Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa’s waist, pulling her closer. “I figured as much. I’m coming with.” She pressed an open mouthed kiss to the junction of Lexa’s shoulder and neck. “When do we leave?”

 

“At sunset.”

 

“I’ll be there.”

 

Lexa twisted in Clarke’s lap to kiss her on the mouth. Clarke responded eagerly, positioning Lexa more fully on her lap, with her hands gripping Lexa’s hips tightly. Clarke moaned into Lexa, who then moaned loudly in response.

 

A knock at the door broke them apart and Clarke let out a breathy chuckle, leaning her forehead against Lexa’s shoulder. Titus burst into the room, his eyes narrowing at them instantly. Lexa scrambled off of Clarke.

 

“What is it, Titus?” Clarke had never heard Lexa sound scarier (or hotter for that matter).

 

“I just wished to let you know that the skai gada and Indra have left. They took our fastest horses.”

 

“Is that all?” Clarke asked, lazing back against the chair. Titus nodded brusquely. “Then you can leave.”

 

“I don’t take orders from you, Wanheda.” He snarled.

 

“Leave, Titus.” Lexa interjected.

 

Titus began to speak, but with a glance at the dangerous expression on Lexa’s face, he decided better of it.

 

With Titus gone, Lexa moved back towards Clarke. “Now where were we?” She grinned down at Clarke, who tugged her down by the front of her shirt.

 

“I believe you were telling me how wonderful I am.”

 

“Mm,” Lexa hummed, kissing Clarke briefly. “Why don’t I show you?”

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

Clarke wasn’t going to lie; riding a horse was not exactly comfortable at the moment, but she wasn’t going to complain either. She rode slightly behind Lexa, giving her a lovely view. Titus, thank god, was left behind in Polis.

 

The army was surprisingly silent. They moved through the trees easily, as if they were born for it, which Clarke supposed they were. The moon still hung low in the sky as they marched.

 

Clarke nudged her horse forward until she was equal with Lexa. “Once the armies are assembled, I’ll ride to Arkadia.”

 

“It’s too dangerous. In the broad daylight? You’ll get shot, ai hodnes. I won’t risk you.” Lexa whispered sharply, her eyes ablaze.

 

“Pike won’t shoot me. He doesn’t have the balls. If he shoots me, it’ll start a revolt and a war. He’s smarter than that.”

 

“I don’t like it. It’s an unnecessary risk.”

 

Clarke sighed heavily. “It’s the only way to potentially stop the war. People will listen to me. Lexa, you know I’m right.”

 

“Fine. Once the Coalition armies are gathered, you will ride to Arkadia to offer peace to your Chancellor.”

 

“Not my Chancellor. There is only one person I bow to.” The moonlight illuminated the blush on Lexa’s cheeks beautifully.

 

“Heda!” A hushed shout came from up the way. A rider rushed towards them, a bullet wound visible in his side.

 

“Geoff, what is it?” Lexa asked as she raised an arm, signaling a halt.

 

“Skaikru. They knew. They attacked our scouts and advance warriors.” He panted, his face slowly losing color.

 

Clarke’s heart dropped in her chest. She had been so close. “What about Octavia and Indra and the others?”

 

“Indra made it back to Tondc, but she had been in a fight. The others never made it.”

 

Clarke let out a low curse. “Geoff, what of Arkadia?” Lexa asked firmly.

 

“Fully armed. They shot into the woods from behind their walls and sent warriors out with guns.”

 

Lexa paused for a moment before saying. “We’ll hold our line further back. How far are we from Arkadia?”

 

“About 10 miles.” Geoff replied, his voice weaker than before.

 

Lexa nodded, “Hold the line here. Have messengers sent to the other clans.” Lexa said to a guard nearby. “Geoff, find a fisa quickly.”

 

“Mochof, Heda.”

 

“Clarke, may we have a word?” Lexa gestured to a small clearing to the side. Clarke quickly followed her, swinging off her horse. When she entered the clearing, Lexa had her back to her. “How did this happen, Clarke?”

 

“I don’t know. I trusted Octavia. She wouldn’t betray us to Pike. Not with Lincoln locked up. She loves him more than anything…” Clarke trailed off, realization gripping her heart. “Oh god, I know what happened.”

 

“Enlighten me, Wanheda,” Lexa snarled, her eyes dark beneath the moonlight.

 

“Bellamy.”

 

“Bellamy?”

 

“Octavia would’ve tried to save him. But he’s loyal to Pike to a fault. He wouldn’t turn on him. He told Pike.”

 

“You trusted the wrong person, Clarke.” Lexa’s cold voice rang in the clearing, stabbing at Clarke’s heart. “And now once again, my people pay the price.”

 

“Lexa, be reasonable. I had nothing to do with this. Octavia was our only option. You know this.”

 

“I trusted my heart over my head and my people suffered for it.”

 

“Lexa, I am one of your people.”

 

Lexa looked up at her, but rather than anger, there was only heartbreaking sadness. “I thought so too, Clarke. But you are Skaikru.”

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

Clarke woke with a start, hands quickly shoving away the blankets. The now familiar sight of her room in Polis greeted her and Clarke breathed a sigh of relief.

 

She scrubbed a hand over her face, trying to soothe her rapidly beating heart. “I’m okay. Everything’s okay.”

 

She felt like she was lying to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that was fluffy right guys???
> 
> i'm sorry i'm not entirely sure how to write fluff (i actually had to ask romnovs how to write fluff - apparently i didn't listen) 
> 
> please feel free to yell at me or whatever either below in the comments or @ jessivajones.tumblr.com
> 
> ~ebh


	7. chapter vi.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> days #5-7

**chapter vi.**

As Clarke stood, her chest still painfully tight, she shuffled over to the small table filled with the art supplies Lexa had gifted her. She pulled out a piece of paper and one of the many writing utensils. She smiled softly at the memory of Lexa shyly presenting her with the supplies, but her moment of happiness was quickly interrupted by the usual knock at the door.

 

“No need to come in, Sonja. I’m fine. Thank you.” Clarke called quickly. She listened as the girl hesitated outside her door before leaving. Clarke turned back to the paper.

 

She outlined each of the days so far and what had been done to avoid Lexa’s death. She huffed out a breath of irritation; no matter what she did, she or Lexa or somebody always seemed to suffer.

 

“Maybe I’m changing too much?” She mused aloud. Somebody always seemed to get shot. And she could never save them. “Save them. I can’t ever save them….” She tapped her pen against the table. “I need medical supplies.” Clarke shot to her feet, realization dawning over her.

 

Every time somebody had been shot, she hadn’t had the medical supplies to help them, which was ridiculous. She was a healer, and she hadn’t been able to save Lexa as she bled out for hours. One of Octavia’s lungs had been punctured and she had drowned in her own blood.

 

“God damn it. Nobody else is dying.” Clarke swore to the empty room. She needed to get to Arkadia, fast.

 

And Lexa was probably going to kill her if she found out. But if Clarke could gather the supplies she needed, when somebody inevitably got shot, then she could save them. She had spent far too much time ending lives while on earth; it was time to save them.

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

Clarke rode hard out of Polis, pushing any thoughts of what Lexa would think when she found Clarke missing out of her head.

 

She needed the medicine. It was the only way to save everybody. And then of course there was the problem of keeping the supplies overnight. She would cross that bridge when she got there.

 

Clarke pushed her horse to keep going until she reached the area surrounding Arkadia in the late afternoon. The sunlight glinted harshly off of the metal of Arkadia, casting reflections onto the trees.

 

Clarke guided her horse to a small grove of trees, tying the animal there. There was a very good chance that she would not be returning, at least not today.

 

She crept along the trees, watching for any guards. It seemed like they were focused on the front gate and the trees beyond, Clarke noted. The panel Octavia had used to smuggle her in was still lose and Clarke was eternally grateful for that. She winced as the metal creaked as she moved it. She darted in, repositioning the panel quickly.

 

She rushed towards medical, ducking behind various posts and doors as people passed by. Her brow furrowed in confusion as she saw Jaha standing with a group of people, seemingly preaching to them.

 

When she saw Bellamy, she nearly moved to speak to him, but then quickly remembered the last time she tried to have a reasonable conversation with the man. It made her stomach turn that somebody she had trusted, had relied on could so easily commit mass murder. She swallowed down her feelings of hurt, waiting until he was out of sight to move.

 

She finally reached the medical area and slipped in.

 

“Hi Mom.” Her mother nearly jumped a foot in the air at the sight of her.

 

“Clarke,” she stammered out, clutching at her chest, “what are you…how…why are you here? It’s not safe for you.”

 

Clarke crossed the room quickly and pulled her mother into a hug. She stood there for a moment just breathing in the familiar scent of her mother. Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes but she pushed them away; she was here for a reason.

 

“I need medical supplies.”

 

“Medical supplies? Clarke, what’s going on?”

 

“I can’t tell you, Mom. But it’s really important. I need supplies for a gunshot.”

 

“Has somebody been shot?” Abby’s eyes instantly widened, her hand clutching at Clarke’s arm. “Clarke, have you been shot?”

 

Clarke pushed the older woman away slightly. “No, Mom, I’m fine. Everybody’s fine. I just need supplies, okay?”

 

Abby hesitated for a moment before nodding. She began preparing a small medical bag, holding up each piece before setting it in the bag. “Clarke, hand me that gauze.” Abby tried to fit it in the bag, but it wouldn’t fit.

 

“Here, I can just carry it on me.” Clarke tucked the gauze against the waistband of her pants.

 

“Clarke, are you sure everything’s-“ Abby’s statement was cut off as the door opened and a flurry of people entered. Clarke ducked behind the table, pressing herself to the ground. “What’s going on?”

 

“I don’t know. He was eating dinner and then he started choking.” Clarke didn’t dare move, her face pressed to the floor.

 

She listened as her mother bustled around and then said, “He’s having an allergic reaction. Get out of my way,” she snarled, moving swiftly through the room.

 

Clarke’s fingers curled around the hilt of the knife at her waist as she stayed as still as possible. After what felt like hours upon hours of lying on the floor, listening to her mother work, the room fell silent and Abby called out to her, “Clarke? You can come out now.” As soon as Clarke emerged from behind the desk, Abby engulfed her in a warm hug. “I was so worried.”

 

“I’m okay, Mom.”

 

“You should get going. The longer you’re here, the greater chance there is that somebody else will see you.”

 

Clarke nodded stiffly, squeezing Abby’s hand. “Thank you so much, Mom.”

 

“I’m always here for you, sweetie. You know that, right?”

 

Clarke nodded again, her eyes filling with unshed tears. “I know.” The two women hugged once more before Clarke snuck out of the room.

 

Clarke curled against the wall as Raven passed by, no hint of a limp in her stride. Clarke nearly started after her, but held herself back. She couldn’t trust anybody here. She carefully made her way back to the tunnel she had come in through. The security at Arkadia left much to be desired, something Clarke was apt to make note of.

 

Darkness had fallen by the time she reached her horse. With the bag next to her, Clarke fell into a restless sleep.

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

Clarke woke with a start, her hands instantly grasping for the bag she had had the previous night. The bag was gone, but the gauze she had had tucked into her waistband was still there.

 

“It needs to be on my skin?” Clarke asked the ceiling, hoping for some sort of answer or sign or anything.

 

Much like the previous day, when Sonja called, Clarke sent her away. Clarke spent a few minutes outlining the past couple of days on a spare bit of paper and then tucked it into her bra.

 

Once again, she found herself on the road towards Arkadia. As she rode, her thoughts drifted towards Lexa.

 

She didn’t want to think of the pain she was potentially causing the other girl as she fled Polis. But she couldn’t shake the memory of the betrayal in Lexa’s eyes when Titus had announced that Clarke had aided in the escape of two Skaikru. No matter what she did, she seemed to hurt Lexa.

 

Had this been a few weeks earlier, Clarke might have jumped at the chance to cause harm to the other girl; but now, now it just caused Clarke’s own heart to ache. The image of Lexa staring up at her, eyes shining with love and devotion, still lingered in her eyes; just as an image of Lexa lying lifeless on her bed haunted her every moment.

 

Clarke let out a shaky breath as she urged her horse to pick up speed. She fought every urge in her heart to glance back at the rapidly vanishing skyline of Polis. She had to use her head, not her heart.

 

But god, did Clarke’s heart ache. Every time she watched somebody else die, a little part of her heart fractured off into nothingness. She had lost too many people. It was time for it to stop.

 

With renewed energy, Clarke rushed towards Arkadia, her body leaning forward over her horse.

 

Just as the previous day, Clarke reached Arkadia as the sun was beginning to dip along the skyline. Leaving her horse tied in the clearing, Clarke made her way to the loose panel.

 

As she crept through the carcass of the Ark, she nearly ran into Jaha again, who seemed to be speaking to himself in hushed tones. Clarke’s brow furrowed momentarily, but Jaha’s insanity was the lowest of her priorities at the moment.

 

She didn’t see Bellamy this time around and she was grateful for it. He may not be dead, but it felt like it. The good man she had known was lost to her and Octavia.

 

She slipped into the medical bay quietly. “Hey Mom.” She greeted softly, waiting for her mother to jump and then rush to hug her as she had done previously.

 

“Clarke! What…how…why are you here?”

 

“I need medicine.” Clarke mumbled into her mother’s shoulder, relishing in the feel of her mom’s hug. “Not for me, I just, I need some penicillin and needle and thread.”

 

“Penicillin? Is somebody hurt?”

 

“No,” began Clarke, biting the inside of her cheek, “Let’s just say it’s a precaution.”

 

Abby’s brow creased at that, but she didn’t ask any more questions. She retrieved a small vial and a small kit and handed them to Clarke. “Are you okay, Clarke?”

 

Clarke forced a small smile onto her face. “Yeah, Mom, I’m okay.” Abby didn’t seem to believe her, but tugged her into another hug. “I need to go. I can’t be here long.” Clarke figured she had about five minutes before the guy with the allergy came in.

 

“Of course. Stay safe, Clarke.” Abby brushed a hand over her daughter’s cheek softly. “May we meet again.”

 

“May we meet again.” Clarke echoed before ducking out of the room. She turned sharply around a corner, colliding with somebody. She let out a low curse.

 

“Clarke Griffin?” The man asked, grabbing at her arm. Clarke tried to twist out of his grip, but he held fast. He lifted a radio to his mouth and despite her best efforts managed to rattle off his location and his prize.

 

Moments later, a flurry of guards were surrounding her. Abby emerged from medical at the sound and Clarke frantically tried to communicate with her mother not to say anything.

 

The guards dragged Clarke off, to see the glorious Chancellor Pike she presumed. They shoved her into a room, where Pike was waiting.

 

“Clarke Griffin, as I live and breathe.” Clarke refused to answer him, her chin lifted proudly. Internally, she couldn’t help but chuckle to herself at the similarities to Lexa. Pike stood to his feet, cautiously approaching her. “Last I heard, you were off playing grounder, and betraying your people.”

 

From behind him, Bellamy seemed to be looking anywhere but Clarke. Clarke tilted her head to the side, staring at Bellamy. “Hey Bellamy, how does it feel to play lap dog?” She spat out.

 

Bellamy started a bit at her words. “Clarke,” he started, his voice a low growl.

 

“Did it make you feel powerful, killing all those powerless grounders? Watching as they bled out? But you saved your soul, didn’t you? You let Indra leave. You want a medal for that?” She struggled against the guards holding her back. Bellamy flinched slightly at her words and opened his mouth to speak, but Pike waved a hand towards him.

 

“That is enough, Miss Griffin.” Pike stated firmly, “You have been renounced as a traitor to your people. What do your precious savages do with traitors? From what Bellamy has told me, they are put to a painful death. We are not savages, so your death will be instantaneous.”

 

“Kill me and the entire might of the Coalition armies will rain down on you. You will lead our people to death.” Clarke declared, channeling Wanheda.

 

“ _Our_ people?” Pike asked incredulously, his eyebrows raised. “You left your people, Clarke. You forfeited any right to call them your people. You made your choice. You chose to be a grounder.” Pike growled, leaning into Clarke’s space.

 

Clarke met his gaze easily, her mouth twisting into a harsh frown. “And you are making your choice. You are choosing to doom our people. You will bring death to our people.”

 

“You don’t command death, Clarke,” Bellamy said with a sneer.

 

“Ai laik Wanheda.” Clarke responded simply, shifting her gaze to Bellamy. “Yu frag ai op. Heda frag Skaikru op.”

 

Both men’s frowns deepened as she spoke. “You think you’re so clever, Griffin.” Pike snarled. “Bring in Doctor Griffin.” Clarke froze momentarily before schooling her features. “Doctor Griffin, as you know, Clarke has chosen to betray her people by staying with the savages. Did you have any knowledge that she would be breaking into Arkadia today?”

 

Her mother hesitated for a moment before saying, “I had no idea she was here until I saw her getting arrested.” Abby’s voice did not shake, but her eyes gave her away at least to Clarke. Clarke fought back the urge to comfort her mother. She couldn’t even imagine how Abby felt, betraying a loved one and sending them to their death yet again.

 

“I’m glad that you remain loyal to your people, Doctor Griffin.” Pike smiled down at Abby, who looked positively livid. “You may return to medical, Doctor.”

 

“Very well, Chancellor.”

 

Abby’s eyes met Clarke as she moved to leave, filled with pain and hurt and love. And then she was gone. Clarke exhaled softly, refusing to let her emotions show on her face.

 

“You will be executed at midnight tonight. Take her to the cells.” Pike said with a wave of his hand.

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

“Clarke?” Lincoln’s soft voice came from the back of the cell as the guards pushed her into the cage. “What are you doing here?”

 

Whispers of Wanheda echoed amongst the other grounders as Lincoln stood to his feet.

 

“I needed something I could only get here.” Clarke explained. She took in the cell she had been thrown in, mindful of any type of security. “The Coalition armies will be here by the morning.” Not that she expected to see the morning.

 

One of the other grounders spoke up, “They are coming for us?”

 

“Arkadia will no longer be under Pike’s rule.” Clarke said, deliberate with her words as the grounders listened. “Heda will make sure of it.”

 

“And you, Clarke?” Lincoln asked, his brow dipping.

 

Clarke let out a dark chuckle, raking a hand through her hair. “I am to be executed at midnight.” Her words hung heavily in the air. Nobody spoke for a few beats before Lincoln spoke again,

 

“Executed?” Clarke nodded. Lincoln’s mouth opened and closed a few times before he said, “You are their leader. How can your people watch you be executed?”

 

“I haven’t been their leader in a while,” Clarke smiled sadly at the man. “It will all be okay. I promise.” She looked around to the others in the room, to Lexa’s people. They stared at her with wide scared eyes, sunken into sickly faces. “Your people are coming.”

 

Clarke settled down next to Lincoln, rubbing his shoulder gently. “Clarke, you shouldn’t have to die.”

 

“I am willing to die for peace.” Clarke replied softly, memories of those who had died in her and Lexa’s failed quest for peace. She turned away from Lincoln, unable to handle looking at his pitying expression. She watched as the light from the small window slowly faded.

 

A feeling of dread bubbled within her. She wasn’t sure if it was the prospect of dying or the prospect of continuing to repeat the day. It did not matter. There was nothing she could do.

 

There was always the chance though that this would be the end. Her heart clenched painfully at the thought.

 

“Lincoln?”

 

“Sha, Clarke?”

 

“When Le- when the Commander arrives and takes Arkadia, tell her for me that I knew. That I always knew and that I forgive if she didn’t already know that.” Clarke swallowed away the lump in her throat, not allowing herself to think of what Lexa would say or do. She would kill them all – Clarke knew this much. Her death, if she actually died, would spell the death of her people.

“Of course, Clarke. I would be happy to.” Lincoln smiled kindly at her and all Clarke could think of was how she had tortured this kind soul. “May you find peace in the next world.” _Not likely_ , Clarke thought bitterly.

 

Clarke stood to her feet, unable to sit and wait for her death any longer. She double-checked that the bandages, kit and penicillin were on her person. Then one of the grounder prisoners stood to her feet to walk over to Clarke. The woman held out her arm to Clarke, who shook it with a hint of a smile. “ _Mochof, Wanheda._ ”

 

“ _Pro_.” Clarke replied automatically.

 

“I was in the _Maun-de_.” The woman said in halting English. “And my _yongon_. You saved us.”

 

In her time in Polis, this had not been an unusual occurrence, but it still made her stomach recoil violently. She had committed _genocide_. She would never be free of the blood.

 

“ _Pro_ ,” Clarke repeated again, holding the woman’s hand gently.

 

Lincoln met her gaze over the woman’s shoulder, his eyes still full of pity. Clarke turned away, choosing to stare out of the cell instead.

 

She found herself unable to relax, every muscle in her body tense. If this were to truly be her end, then she had far too many regrets. She regretted holding onto her anger with Lexa for so long. She regretted never telling Lexa the truth about Anya. She regretted not reconciling more fully with her mother and Raven and Octavia. She regretted not being there for Bellamy. She had too many regrets. She was drowning in regret.

 

Maybe it was better this way. _No_ , she thought firmly, _what about Lexa? What about your mother? How can you be so selfish?_

 

Clarke was so wrapped in her thoughts, she didn’t hear the footsteps that would spell her doom. She flinched a bit as the door opened to reveal her former teacher.

 

“Is it that time already?” She quipped, an eyebrow shooting up.

 

“Take her.” Pike ordered and she was wrenched forward.

 

“ _Yu gonplei nowe ste oden, Wanheda._ ” Lincoln said, lifting his chin defiantly. _Oh, if only you knew_.

 

Clarke allowed herself to be dragged off without a fight. The only thing she could think of was that she didn’t want her mother to see this. Her mother had already had to watch her husband executed. She shouldn’t have to watch her daughter executed as well.

 

Clarke inhaled the fresh air deeply, savoring in what could possibly be her last moments. The moonlight cast an eerie glow over the metallic Ark, shadows thrown across the ground.

 

They finally stopped in an empty space. Her mother was standing there next to Bellamy, who looked slightly ill, his jaw clenched tightly.

 

“Mom,” Clarke started, “please. Don’t do this to yourself.”

 

“I love you, baby.” She said tearfully. “I am so proud of you.”

 

“Can I have a moment?” Clarke asked, her lip curling up in a half snarl. Pike nodded, waving a hand forward. Clarke rushed to her mother, pulling her in a hug. “It’s not your fault, Mom.” Her mother’s tears were too hot against her skin, like they were burning her flesh. “I forgive you. I love you.” Tears pressed their way out of her eyes, dripping down her cheeks. A momentary image of Lexa’s war paint flashed before her eyes.

 

“Love you too, Clarke.” Abby stammered. Clarke’s heart broke once more for her mother.

 

“Can you…can you tell Lexa…” Clarke trailed off, her words catching in her throat.

 

“Of course,” Abby smiled tearfully at her, squeezing her arms tightly.

 

“As touching as this is….” Pike snapped, yanking Clarke away. “It’s midnight in a minute.”

 

Clarke schooled her features into an impassive mask as she stared at Pike. Pike pulled his gun from his waistband.

 

“I hate to kill one of my students. But you’re a grounder, Clarke. You’re a traitor to your people.”

 

“Ai gonplei ste oden.” Clarke said, defiantly meeting his gaze. If he was going to kill her, he would have to look her in the eye.

 

And then everything went black.

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

Clarke woke with a start, her heart racing as if she had had a nightmare. The supplies she had retrieved from Arkadia pressed painfully into her abdomen.

 

She tried to regulate her breathing but her lungs couldn’t seem to manage it. The threat of death, the reminder of her own mortality was too much. Her breath came in great, shuddering gasps. “I’m okay. I’m still here. Everyone is okay.”

 

And she had the medical supplies. She could save everyone. She could do it.

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

Clarke pressed a lazy kiss to the hollow of Lexa’s throat, marveling at the softness of her skin. Lexa hummed happily, lacing their fingers together.

 

“I wish we could stay like this forever.” Clarke admitted softly.

 

“As do I, ai hodnes. But we both have duties to our people.” Lexa said, regret tingeing her voice. She cast her eyes away from Clarke, sadness filling them. “You must return to your people with Octavia.”

 

“I could stay here…”

 

Lexa rolled onto her stomach. “You could, but you won’t. I know you, Clarke. You care too much for your people. I understand. We are the same, Clarke.”

 

“I love the way you say my name.” Clarke pressed her mouth to Lexa’s, giggling into the kiss. In that moment she felt so light and carefree.

 

“Clarke, Clarke, Clarke.” Lexa whispered against Clarke’s skin.

 

Clarke let out a low chuckle again. Then she sighed heavily, “I should get going. We will see each other soon, Lexa. This isn’t goodbye forever. It’s just a temporary separation.”

 

“I wish I could believe you, Clarke.” Lexa said softly, watching Clarke as she dressed, the dying sunlight highlighting her features. “I have said too many goodbyes in this lifetime. I do not wish to ever say goodbye to you.”

 

Clarke leaned down on the bed. “And we never will. I swear to you, Lexa.” Clarke brushed her hand over Lexa’s cheek. Lexa managed a small smile and Clarke was wonderstruck at her beauty once again. “I need to get going.”

 

“I know. Stay safe, ai hodnes.” Lexa leaned up for one more greedy kiss.

 

Clarke bit her lip as she left the room. Every time she had to leave Lexa hurt more than the last. Her heart felt like it was getting shredded into tatters.

 

She exhaled heavily, afraid of what waited for her behind the door. She cautiously pushed the door open.

 

“Titus, what are you doing here?” Clarke asked, her tone weary and full of frustration. “Murphy?” She tried to feign as much surprise as possible. “Let him go Titus.”

 

“I can not do that, Clarke.” He shakily lifted his gun, pointing it at her.

 

“Lexa will know it was you.”

 

“Skaikru thief. Skaikru weapon.” He fired at her and she just barely ducked in time. She dove towards Murphy, fumbling with the knots. “You are a weakness. I must protect her.”

 

“You’re only hurting her, Titus.” Clarke called. He responded with another shot. Clarke crawled along the side of the bed, trying to figure out where he was. She was just praying that Lexa would stay away.

 

Another bullet lodged itself in the bed. Clarke let out a low curse, peering from the side of the bed.

 

The door creaked open and another shot went off. There was a quiet whimper of, “Clarke.” Clarke launched herself from behind the bed, not caring if she got shot. She had to catch Lexa. She slid to the ground, catching Lexa before her head hit the ground.

 

Titus babbled incoherently behind her, already making excuses. Murphy had pulled himself free thanks to Clarke’s help and hurried to her side.

 

“Help me get her on the bed.” Murphy nodded quickly, assisting Clarke as she carried Lexa to the bed. “Grab me my kit over there,” Clarke gestured to the small bag of the Skaikru supplies. “Stay with me, Lexa. C’mon. Stay with me.”

 

“Clarke,” Lexa rasped, her eyes already glassy.

 

Clarke was vaguely aware of Titus in the background, screwing around with the flame or whatever it was called. Murphy shoved her supplies into her hands and Clarke got to work.

 

“I’m so, so sorry, Lexa.” Clarke said, pulling Lexa’s shirt up to examine the wound. “Murphy, find something for her to bite. I need to get the bullet out.” Murphy grabbed a shirt from Clarke’s dresser, handing it to Lexa.

 

“I don’t-“

 

“Bite down on that. I won’t have you losing your tongue.”

 

“That sounded vaguely dirty,” Murphy muttered under his breath. Clarke had to stifle a watery laugh.

 

Clarke met Lexa’s gaze and the other girl nodded slightly. She let out a shaky breath of air before plunging her hand into the bullet wound. Her fingers fumbled around for a moment before they clenched around the slippery metal. “Yes. Thank god.” Clarke carefully pulled it out and dropped it onto the bedspread.

 

“Hurts, Clarke.” Lexa whined softly, her eyes fluttering shut with the pain. Titus moved closer to Lexa, his face contorted in pain. He and Lexa had a quiet conversation in Trigedasleng that Clarke didn’t hear. Clarke focused on threading the needle. The faster Lexa was stitched up, the faster she would stop bleeding.

 

Clarke set to work stitching up the wound, black blood spilling over her fingers. Titus tried to push Clarke out of the way for his stupid ceremony but she had simply snarled at him and Murphy had pushed him away, saying, “Back off, Baldy.”

 

“You’re gonna be okay, Lexa.” Clarke squeezed one of Lexa’s hands. “I just need to bandage this and then I’ll get you some medicine for infection.”

 

“Thank you, Clarke.” Lexa said weakly, her eyes fluttering shut.

 

“Do not close your eyes.” Clarke ordered.

 

“Sha, Wanheda.” Lexa replied cheekily, a faint grin tugging at the corners of her lips.

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Sha, Wanheda.”

 

“You’re incorrigible.”

 

“ _Mochof_.”

 

“Keep talking to me,” instructed Clarke as she unraveled the bandage. She listened to Lexa’s story about hunting with Anya as she taped the bandage down, pressing down onto Lexa’s wound. “Mmkay, I’m just going to give you a bit of penicillin. It’s to make sure you don’t get an infection, okay?” Lexa nodded wearily. Clarke rolled up Lexa’s sleeve, searching for a vein. Once she found one, she filled a syringe and injected Lexa with it.

 

“I don’t feel very well, Clarke.”

 

“Well, you were shot.” Clarke leaned down to kiss Lexa, ignoring the blood on her lips. “That will take it out of you.” She murmured against Lexa’s lips.

 

She pulled back, staring at Lexa, who stared back.

 

“Cl-clarke,” Lexa stammered out, her eyes going wide. “I-I-I c-c. Br-breathe.” Clarke froze, staring at Lexa as she gasped for air. Clarke glanced at her exposed arm. Small red dots had already appeared around the area. “Cl-arke.”

 

“Fuck.” Clarke muttered. She tried to help Lexa breathe, but it wasn’t doing anything. “C’mon, Lexa, Fight.”

 

But Lexa fell limp against the bed and tears spilled over Clarke’s cheeks. She had been so close. Titus shoved her away, flipping Lexa over. Clarke couldn’t watch him cut into her neck again, so she turned away. Murphy stared wide-eyed at the proceedings, his mouth twisting down into a frown.

 

Clarke sobbed loudly, gasping for air. Murphy pulled her into a tentative hug, guiding her away from Lexa’s body.

 

The tears wouldn’t stop coming. She had failed. She had failed again. She had failed everyone. She couldn’t do this. She was a failure.

 

Murphy was murmuring to her gently, trying to comfort her somehow. She was vaguely aware of Titus in the background. She wanted to see Lexa again, but she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t see Lexa’s body again.

 

She swore to herself in that moment that she wouldn’t watch Lexa die again. She wouldn’t do it.

 

She waited for the now familiar darkness to take over, squeezing her eyes shut against the horror of the world.

 

O-o-O-o-O

 

As Clarke opened her eyes, she brushed at her cheeks. They were still dry but as Clarke rolled to the side of the bed, she burst into tears again.

 

She choked over the pain and sadness that seemed to consume her.

 

Clarke Griffin was a failure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you all enjoyed it! sorry for the delay. i've been traveling a lot and haven't had a solid internet connection in a while. updates should be more consistent from now on, i hope at least. 
> 
> i know some of you are getting frustrated with the repetitive-ness of this story, but i urge you to stick with it. it's meant to be repetitive and that frustration you're feeling is is probably a fraction of what clarke is feeling. 
> 
> along those lines, if there is any storyline you would be interested in reading, let me know or if you have any ideas or whatever. 
> 
> talk to me down below in the comments or @ jessivajones.tumblr.com
> 
> ~ebh

**Author's Note:**

> let me know if you'd want me to continue. 
> 
> if anybody wants to cry about lexa with me, or just talk, or whatever, hit me up on tumblr at jessivajones. 
> 
> ~ebh


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